Man In CrisisSample

Don't Preach - Listen

If you are still having conversations with your wife, by all means, have them. And use the 90-10 rule. Listen to her 90% of the time. Talk 10% - if that.

She will probably say many hurtful things. She will accuse you of never loving her. She will tell you how much you’ve hurt her. It will sound like an exaggeration to you - it’s not, it’s how intensely she feels the pain. She may verbally abuse you and/or even lie about you. If you are stupid, you will take the opportunity to correct her. Don’t be ridiculous. 

Instead, do what Jesus did. He continued to love and serve and heal those who verbally abused Him, lied about Him, spit in His face, etc. You won’t suffer as He did.

You are accustomed to being in control. That comfort is not yours. You can’t control this, and if you try by preaching or becoming angry or manipulating in some other way - you will lose. I did. I tried all those things and more because I was desperate and stupid. That’s how I know. None of it kept my wife from leaving.

Explaining yourself won’t work. Turning it back on your wife won’t work. Withdrawing won’t work. Listening is the only thing left. Then lovingly serving her in whatever way remains. 

The 10% you get to say are things like, ‘I didn’t realize that - I’m sorry.’ She’ll come back with something sharp, sarcastic, and hurtful. Absorb the punch. Love her. Die on that cross. God will raise you back to life. 

So, how do you do it? Here are some suggestions: 

Don’t Quote The Bible. Unless of course, you are applying it to your sin. You are not in a position to correct her in any way. Leave that to the Holy Spirit. If you want to use the Bible to point out how you’ve been prideful or unloving or neglectful - feel free. It’s the only way she’ll hear it. 

Ask Clarifying Questions. If you don’t understand, be honest. Apologize for not getting it. Then ask your wife to explain it to you and don’t challenge her conclusions. Again, you’ve lost the position to test anything. You can’t do it. Ask questions to listen more and let her talk as much as she wants and say whatever she needs. 

Control Your Mind. Proverbs 25:28 says, ‘A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.’ In other words, if you don’t control your mind, you are no better than an unprotected town. Anyone and anything can get in and create whatever chaos they wish. If you don’t control your mind (and by extension, your heart), you will do nothing but further convince her that all the things she is thinking about you are right. 

Challenge: Read and Meditate on Ephesians 4:1-7, 17-32. It gives you specific instructions about how to treat your wife - REGARDLESS HOW SHE RECEIVES IT. Write down every attitude and action you are supposed to exercise. Repent of any opinions or actions of yours that don’t match these. Then find ways to imitate the correct ones.