Listening Well: A Guide for MenSample

Day 5: Naming and Validating

I was walking through the lush pine-peppered forest of the North Carolina countryside after a frustrating day. Thanks to a couple of years of good counseling and healing, my inner Hulk had not gone on a rampage in quite a while, but on this day I could sense the not-so-gentle giant getting restless. I had about forty-five minutes before I needed to re-engage as a dad and husband, so I put in an emergency call to a good friend.

After letting me blow off steam for several minutes, my friend simply said, “Man, it sounds like you’re feeling really disappointed. I can hear it in your voice.” That was it. In an instant, what had felt like a rising storm was peaceful again.

At that moment, my friend didn’t throw out-of-context scripture verses at me. He didn’t participate in my frustration or open up a can of gossipy judgment. He listened to my words, but more than that, he listened to my heart. And he named it for me. I felt heard, understood, and that it was okay.

When something is accurately named, the body already knows it. I literally let out a sigh of relief when my friend named my disappointment, like a weight being released. It is an experience of kindness to have someone else bear witness to what you know is true but might not be able to put words to. Sometimes it’s a willingness to name painful feelings the other person is carrying:

• I hear how heartbreaking that must be. It sounds really lonely.
• You’ve been carrying so much responsibility. That’s a lot to bear.
• That sounds really frustrating.
• It sounds like you weren’t allowed to feel (sad, angry, weak, excited, silly, etc.). Is that true? How has that impacted you?

Responses like these help you to meet the other person in their story and to invite more engagement. Accurately naming another’s experience invites them to feel what they weren’t allowed (or didn’t know how) to feel in the midst of the situation, opening the door for it to be grieved (if painful) or celebrated (if joyful), which can bring significant healing. Naming the themes of what you are hearing in their story can bring clarity and perspective, stripping it of its power it may have over their heart and mind.

When you courageously and kindly name something in another’s story, you offer them a gift of joining them right where they are and shining a light in the darkness. Naming honors their heart, mind, soul, and body, as they have endured much. It gives words to what may have gone unnamed, unacknowledged, untended, uncared for, ungrieved, and unhealed.

Naming and listening in this way is a practice and skill that can be developed as we seek to care well for our wives, our kids, our friends, or just about anyone. Men, especially men who have positions of authority such as a father or a boss, can invite significant emotional healing by offering strength and kindness in this way. After all, we were created to care for our spouse and the people entrusted to us.

I pray you will cultivate the practice of naming what you see and hear as you listen to others, that it might help bring deeper clarity, understanding, healing, freedom, and life.

As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, where in my story has someone named something for me that they’ve seen in my story? How did that feel for me?

Jesus, how does naming something with curiosity and without judgment invite others to experience being seen and loved as you see and love them?

Holy Spirit, as I seek to practice listening well, please show me where naming something in my story has brought deeper clarity, understanding, and healing, and grant me the grace to walk with you in offering that to others.