Listening Well: A Guide for MenSample

Day 3: Poor Listening Isn’t Harmless

If the experience of being listened to well displays the kindness and Kingdom of God, then it’s also true that experiencing poor listening can equally display the kingdom of darkness. Remember my story yesterday of putting on my Iron Man armor every day, and still coming home like a raging Incredible Hulk? For me, the experience, for more than a year, of being talked at—even by people that I had no real interaction with—rather than talked with and listened to, had a profound effect on me. It brought me into spaces of deep loneliness, but it also awakened my heart to an awareness that many people feel compelled to be passionately, even unpleasantly, vocal about what they have to say because they so rarely have a chance to be genuinely heard.

At the time of writing this, my sons are eight and five. For my wife and me, it is an almost daily occurrence for us to mediate some kind of conflict or misunderstanding between them. It may be that they both want the blue cereal bowl, or whose turn it is to pick a bedtime book, or that (heaven forbid) they both have the same favorite food. They talk over each other and interrupt; they are so focused on speaking their piece that they literally can’t hear what the other has to say. Then, when I try to step in, their body language and lack of eye contact make it very clear that they aren’t tuned in to me at all. In a cartoonish way, they present a great example of when poor listening goes unchecked: dismissive, disengaged, and sometimes destructive.

Now, my wife and I are doing a pretty good job coaching our boys through these wild wonder years (if I do say so myself). But, honestly, haven’t we all experienced and even participated in similar situations as adults? Can you think of a time when someone talked over a story you were sharing, or took more time to tell you why you were wrong to feel something than in seeking to understand why you felt it? How did that make you feel?

In church settings, in small groups, in our workplace, in our marriages and families, we may experience ways of listening that are overly aggressive and confrontational, or dismissive and aloof. Even well-intentioned advice or scripture verses that come at the wrong time and in the wrong way can make someone feel more isolated than heard. Poor listening is not harmless. Every experience of feeling dismissed, misjudged, or unheard is another opportunity for the enemy to gain a foothold in our hearts—for resentment or shame to seep in.

It’s no mistake that childish behavior seems … well, childish. Because we’re meant to outgrow it and develop the skills for a more robust and honoring way to live. Nobody gets it perfect every time, and of course, there will be times when you miss the mark. If you catch yourself exhibiting behaviors of poor listening, it’s okay! Your story—your upbringing and life experience—might cause you to default into one of these unhelpful ways (or others), even as you learn and practice listening and engaging well. The good news is that God has more than enough grace to empower each of us to grow in offering good care.

If you do find that you’ve defaulted into one of these unhelpful ways of listening: pause, name it, apologize, and then re-engage with the other person with kindness and attentiveness. Each mistake is an opportunity to move differently and continue growing.

As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, please remind me of a time when I felt unheard or not listened to well. Would you help me remember what that felt like? How might this memory help me show empathy to others?

Jesus, would you help me to see where I react in some of these (or other) unhelpful ways of listening? What might be the cause of why I relate as I currently do?

Holy Spirit, where might I need to extend grace to myself for the ways I have not listened to others as well as I might have done? Would you guide me through the process of self-forgiveness?