Listening Well: A Guide for MenSample

Day 4: Curiouser and Curiouser

In his book The Heart of a Warrior, Michael Thompson writes that a man who is walking with God and who is becoming more like Jesus is a man who lives with “nothing to hide, nothing to prove, and nothing to fear.” When it comes to good listening, it is also helpful to adopt a posture of having something to ask, something to learn, and something to gain. This honors the person who is speaking, because it demonstrates that you believe they have something of value to contribute. And it often starts with the humility of being curious.

Being curious involves asking good, meaningful questions, which is paramount in listening well. Good questions are thoughtful, respectful, pertinent, and are often open-ended (open-ended questions cannot be answered with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’). These invite thoughtful responses, stories, and opportunities for the other person to express how they are feeling or to share more. On the contrary, questions that are judgmental or lead the other person in a particular direction can shut down conversation, causing them to retreat emotionally or to become aggressive and defensive.

For example:

• My wife might ask me, “How was work today?” It’s not a bad question. But, as often as not, I just lived through a day of work, and I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s easy for me to deflect her question with a simple “Fine.”
• BUT usually she asks me something like “Did anything exciting happen to you today?” or “Did you listen to anything interesting today?” These questions invite me to reflect on more of my day’s experience than just work, and to share about things that made my heart feel alive and joyful. These questions communicate that she cares about me and the things that interest me, and help me to feel seen and known.

Meaningful questions aren’t just for starting a conversation; they are also an important part of deepening the conversation. But don’t shoot off your questions rapid-fire like a 1980’s action movie. Give the other person time to ponder, to consider, and explore one question before asking another, as you listen well to their responses. Who knows what you might learn about them? You might begin to see them more and more the way God sees them.

Examples of Good Questions:

• How does/did that make you feel?
• Can you tell me more about that? Or, I’d love to hear more about that.
• That sounds really important to you. Do you want to share about why?
• What is it that made that moment so special (or so difficult)?
• Does what you experienced/heard/felt stir up any memories from your past?

*When asking a “why” question, use caution. It’s very easy for “why” to sound condescending or judgmental, even if you don’t intend it to. We all have experiences of being asked “why” in a way that sounds like “You’re an idiot.” That’s why tone and body language matter. You communicate love and kindness with your whole presence, not just your words.

Good questions pair well with engaged listening. It’s okay to clarify, especially if you are not sure you understand correctly. Try to “mirror” what they said, in your own words. “It sounds like you’re saying …. Is that right?” This kind of engaged listening is very valuable, especially in conversations that are serious or confrontational in nature. In those cases, it may be difficult for you to hear their answers—you may want to explain or defend yourself. Try to allow them to share what they experienced and allow yourself to seek understanding rather than to be understood. Understanding and defensiveness seldom go hand in hand.

Jesus is our ultimate example. He asked over 300 simple and brilliant questions in the gospels, engaging with individuals of all walks of life. He often stopped what he was doing to offer care to hurting people and embraced their interruptions. Next time you read the gospels, try to imagine Jesus’s body language, his tone of voice, his smile, the glimmer in his eyes, the touch of his rough calloused hand, as he pursues the hearts of others through questions. Here are a few examples:

• What do you want me to do for you? Mark 10:51 (NIV)
• Why are you afraid? Matthew 8:26 (NLT)
• Do you believe that I am able to do this? Matthew 9:28 (NIV)
• Has no one condemned you? John 8:10 (NIV)

Do you see how Jesus’s questions go beyond the surface, deep into the heart of the other person? My prayer is that all of this will help you to move in partnership with God as Jesus did, so that when listening to others—at church, in small groups, at work, at home, in your marriage—you may invite the presence and the light of God’s kingdom by asking good questions that encourage deeper engagement and bring dignity to another’s heart.

As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, who in my life has shown me the value of asking good, wise, kind, thoughtful questions? What can I learn from their questions, tone, body language, and countenance?

Jesus, in what ways does your kindness shine through your questions? How might others experience your love through me as I seek to listen well?

Holy Spirit, would you help me to be attuned to the heart and emotion that is behind the words when others are sharing? Please help me and guide me in how to be curious and open without judgment as I listen. May your presence in me create a gentle and discerning heart to know when to ask and engage, when a pause is needed, and when to sit quietly.