Covenant Love: Nurturing Your Marriage God's WaySample

Blessing Over Insult

Key Verse:

“For the one who desires life, to love and see good days must keep his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit; he must turn away from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.” — 1 Peter 3:10-11

Reading:

Insulting in relationships can happen quite quickly, especially if there's a conflict that's at the forefront. There can be trading of insults about the way that he looks or how she looks. Maybe it's the way that she cooks, or how she cleans the house, or how he repairs, or how he responds to the children. There is always the ability to say what we don't like about our spouse, and it can come across as very insulting rather than a blessing. However, the Bible calls us to bring blessing. In 1 Peter 3:10-11, it speaks about when one desires life and love, they must turn from evil, refrain from speaking harshly, but rather seek peace. This verse tells us that to give a blessing, we must step aside and refrain from retaliation. This can feel almost impossible when you've been hurt, but it is doable.

I have a couple of concepts that can help us refrain from retaliation, give blessings, and shift our perspective in these moments of conflict. The first is "starting over". In my sessions with couples, sometimes if it has begun with the couple lashing out, I will ask them to step out of my office, and I'll welcome them back in as if we've started over from the beginning. This can also be very effective at home. Maybe the husband gets home after a rough day, and the wife is cooking dinner. He immediately says, "Dinner isn't ready? I'm so hungry. I can't believe you're still cooking." That's insulting to his wife, who's spending her time and effort making him dinner. Rather than finding an insult to retaliate, the wife could ask him to start over. Maybe he could go outside again, and when he comes in, he could compliment how the dinner smells. This would shift the entire attitude of the conversation from insult to blessing. Another concept is the "12-minute principle". This concept is 4 minutes together 4 separate times throughout the day. It could be the first 4 minutes when they get up, or 4 minutes when they are back together after their day, or maybe it's 4 minutes before bed. Now that four minutes should be a sanctuary. So, they might hug each other or just hold each other. They would possibly say a little prayer. Maybe it's simply, "It is so nice to see you" after work. It could be a time of just sitting on the bed together and having four minutes to breathe with each other. There is a blessing just being in that time together. Those periods would not have any part in insult. Allow for those 12 minutes of being together and blessing each other. Now, remember that the need to ask for God's help and the power of the Holy Spirit is essential. It means to ask the Lord, How can I give a blessing? It might be just a gentle word, it could be a touch, it could be a hug, or a pat on the shoulder, but when you go to God to ask Him to give you these 12 minutes together, then He will work through that.

These concepts will shift the attitude of your time together and will result in blessings rather than insults. However, it does take hard work, and you'll need to be in prayer over this for God to work through your relationship.

Reflection:

Start Over: When do you feel starting over could benefit your time to shift from insult to blessing?

12 Minutes: When during your day can you find these 12 minutes together? How could you spend this time to be a blessing?

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, help me to respond with blessing rather than insult. When conflicts arise, remind me of Your call to seek peace and pursue it. Fill my heart with Your love and patience, so that I might return kindness for harshness and seek to bless rather than curse. Teach me to see beyond my immediate frustrations and choose words and actions that uplift and heal. In moments of tension, guide me to act with grace and understanding, reflecting Your peace in my relationships. In Jesus' name, Amen.