Covenant Love: Nurturing Your Marriage God's WaySample

Sincere Apologies

Key Verse:

“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” - James 5:16

Reading:

"I am sorry." Those are such strong words when it comes to conflict resolution. Apologizing can make clear that you are concerned about your spouse's welfare and can help de-escalate conflict. However, do not mistake mediocre apologies as real apologies because they achieve the opposite effect.

There are many different mediocre apologies, but they all lead to further conflict rather than resolution. It may be "I'm sorry because I'm supposed to be" or "I'm sorry because you caught me". Maybe it's "I'm sorry but this is what you did and so it's your fault," or "I'm sorry but it was out of my control." It could even be, "I'm sorry but I had to because...". How about genuinely apologizing as soon as you realize there has been an offence felt by your spouse and feeling genuine sorrow over it. The longer the wait before an apology, the longer the conflict is prolonged. Don't say sorry if you don't mean it, as apologies have to be real. I'd rather have my spouse acknowledge that they need time before they can genuinely apologize and come back later when they're in a place to do so. I would rather have them take some time to contemplate, to pray, and then come back with a sincere or genuine apology.

When genuinely apologizing, show true interest in why your partner is hurt. Try asking questions about how they feel, and what would make them feel better. That's very important. Take full responsibility for hurting your partner's feelings and explain what you might want to do. Taking responsibility may sound like, "I blew that one. Let me try again." or "How can I make things better?" and "I can see my part in all of this". All of those are ownership questions. Notice how many "I" statements were in these statements, and that's huge as well in conflict resolution, so very, very strong.

There are 5 "apology" languages in which you receive apologies, kind of like love languages. The first is expressing regret. This is one of the less demanding apology languages. The apologizer simply has to express that they are sorry for what they have done and imply that they feel guilty or ashamed for their actions. This is all centered on feeling empathy for others. This style can be too forgiving to a fault because it does not ensure that they won't continue to hurt again. It is as simple as saying I'm sorry. The second is genuinely repenting. This language centers around attempting to modify the behavior that caused the pain. If this is your apology language, then you hope the person who hurt you will make an honest attempt at changing their behavior. A simple sorry doesn't mean all is forgiven, but you desire to see an effort at changing. The third is accepting responsibility. For those who have this love language, their priority is that they want to hear the person say, "I am wrong". This goes beyond just saying I'm sorry, or even that I hurt you. Rather, it is an "I'm sorry, I know I was wrong for...". This shows that the person is fully aware of their wrongdoing and can specifically identify the problem that caused the pain. Fourth is requesting forgiveness. If you value someone requesting your forgiveness, then you see it as the offender's way of expressing that they still want you to love them. Not only does this affirm that they know why they have done you wrong, but it's their way of wanting to express that they want to repair and restore the relationship. Finally, the fifth language is tangible things. This goes beyond accepting responsibility and requesting forgiveness; it is having the offender do something tangible to correct their behavior. This shows that not only does the offender regret their decision and care about restoring your relationship, but it also shows they will do something to correct that behavior and prevent future offenses.

Not every person apologizes because of the shame and guilt they feel. However, God didn't call us to forgive only when we've been asked. Please, forgive these people as well because we were called to forgive everyone. Know that you can continue to pray that the Lord will bring insight to the person who has offended you for an apology. The Lord will walk with you and let your heart find ways to still forgive them, even if the apology has not come on this side of heaven, and that can still be your continued prayer to have that take place. Know that Jesus will listen.

Reflection:

Five languages: What do you believe is your apology language? How can you share this with your spouse in hopes that it will help your conflict resolution and communication?

Forgiven: Are there things that you haven't forgiven your spouse for because they didn't apologize in the way you desired? How can you ask God to work in your heart to find an apology?

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, help me to apologize sincerely when I have wronged others. Give me the courage to take full responsibility for my actions and the wisdom to understand how to make amends. Teach me to be forgiving and compassionate, even when an apology is not given. Guide me in healing and restoring relationships, reflecting Your love and grace in all I do. In Jesus' name, Amen.