The Loneliness Trap and the Relationships You CraveSample

Paul, who wrote half the New Testament, understood something about relationships that we often miss. In Galatians 6:9 NIV, he writes, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

He's talking about the principle of farming. If you want to accomplish something good, including building healthy relationships, you can't give up because it takes time.

A few years ago, sociologists at the University of Kansas studied 150 college freshmen to see how friendships developed. Most of these students didn't know each other and were starting from scratch. Here's what they discovered: it took 40 to 60 hours together to form a casual friendship. It took 80 to 100 hours to transition into a real friendship. And it took more than 200 hours together to become good friends.

Now, I'm not encouraging you to turn their numbers into your goals for friendships, but the principle is important. Friendship takes time! Paul reminded us that we’ll miss the harvest if we give up when we get weary.

The challenge for many of us is that we’re never going to college again. We don't have the free time we had when we were 18. But, I've discovered that you don't need hundreds of hours of free time!

Consider my Wednesday morning coffee group. I’d spent lots of hours together with those guys, but I was still lonely. Why? Because I hadn't been intentional and vulnerable, and neither had they. It didn't take 200 more hours for us to share our biggest burdens. It took one conversation that invited other guys to get more honest, too.

Sometimes you can advance a relationship significantly in a short amount of time if you don't give up and you're willing to be vulnerable. One meaningful conversation can change the trajectory of a friendship and bear real fruit!

But between getting a vision for your relationships and harvesting that amazing fruit, don’t forget about the messy middle. That’s the place where you ask hard questions. “Why do I keep reaching out? Why do I open up if they don't do the same? Why do I sacrifice time and money for nothing in return?”

Sometimes obedience is continuing to show up and trusting God with the fruit of your efforts, even when you feel like nothing is happening.

I went to that Wednesday morning group so many times thinking, "Why do I keep coming? We never go beyond the surface." Until that one day when I realized we'd never go deeper if I didn't open up first. The group didn’t change because I'm some heroic figure. We changed because somebody got honest, another person listened, and the group allowed for a messy conversation week-after-week.

Here's my encouragement for you. Perhaps you have been showing up, but you’re tempted to give up. If you give up now, you may give up right before the good stuff happens, the fruit is born, or the breakthrough comes.

Remember to think like a farmer, not like your phone. Your phone moves in seconds and milliseconds. When it doesn't work fast, you throw it or yell at it. Farmers move in weeks and months. They plant seeds, water them, tend them, and wait for the harvest.

The good news is you can have healthier relationships. The bad news is you won't have them this afternoon. When you don't give up, you can reap an incredible harvest!

Keep moving towards God's vision for your relationships. The work you do in His name is not in vain!

If this plan has impacted you and you want to identify a plan to help your friends out of The Loneliness Trap, I've created the "I Want to Deeper Relationships Action Plan" to provide additional guidance and practical steps. Click here for complimentary access today!