The Loneliness Trap and the Relationships You CraveSample

Have you ever felt surrounded by people but still completely alone?

That was me, sitting in a coffee shop every Wednesday with my small group. My wife was pregnant with twins and on bed rest for 18 weeks. It was one of the most challenging seasons of our lives! Despite showing up faithfully to our group, something was missing.

These guys knew the surface details of my life (the pregnancy, the bedrest, our struggles), but they didn't know how I was doing on a soul level. I was living in what Stephen Mansfield calls "a sea of casual, superficial relationships."

One Wednesday, when someone asked how I was doing, I answered honestly, "I'm not doing well." My friend Darren, who always listened carefully, said, "Okay, Scott, tell us more." That day changed everything, as I shared my deep struggles. Our superficial Wednesday group began moving towards a deeper, life-giving community that day.

Since then, I’ve learned that healthy relationships don't just magically happen. They're opposed, not just by our busy schedules, but spiritually. Jesus spoke to this reality when He said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10 NIV)

We have an Enemy who doesn't want us to live in healthy relationships. Satan uses four tactics to attack our efforts to connect.

First, he uses deception. Back in Genesis 3, his very first tactic was to ask Eve, "But did God say…?" (Genesis 3:3 NIV) He uses the same strategy today. “Did God really say you need to be in relationships when people take so much work? Did God say He wants you to be vulnerable when it's safer to keep people at arm's length?”

When deception doesn't work, Satan moves to distance. After Adam and Eve bought the lie, verses 7 and 8 tell us that they immediately began hiding from each other and God. That same distance shows up in our relationships today. Sometimes it's emotional distance, like shame or loneliness. At other times, it's physical distance, as you rarely spend time with your people in-person.

If distance doesn't work, Satan tries distraction. We live in an incredibly distracted world, thanks to our hobbies, technology, and the constant demands of work. He tries to keep us from investing in what we share with people. He knows that relationships are like a retirement account. You don't think you need them until you really need them, and if you haven't been investing when you didn't need them, they won't be there when you do.

Finally, if all else fails, Satan uses discouragement. That may be where you are today. You've tried investing in relationships, but it takes a considerable amount of time. Perhaps you’ve lost friends and don’t want to start over. Perhaps you've been hurt and feel scared.

This is the big idea of this plan: Every day, we are either moving toward or away from God's vision for our relationships. Just as our bodies are transforming today as cells decay and regenerate, our relationships are either moving toward intimacy and interdependence (God's vision) or toward isolation and loneliness (Satan's vision).

The question isn't whether you're moving because you are. The question is, which direction are you moving in?

God wants you to experience relationships that are healthy and vibrant. Our enemy wants you isolated and alone. Every choice you make today moves you closer to one vision or the other.

Tomorrow, we'll explore what God's vision for your relationships truly looks like. And friend, it's bigger than you might think!