The Loneliness Trap and the Relationships You CraveSample

There's a passage in Acts that we often hold up as the ideal for Christian relationships - Acts 2:42-47. The passage describes the kind of community and connection we all aspire towards. “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common.“ (Acts 2:42-44 NIV)

Have you ever read those words and thought, "Wouldn't it be awesome to be like the church in the Bible?" But we forget an important truth: the church in the Bible had problems, too. In Acts 5, only two chapters after this beautiful description, people were struck dead for lying about their giving! First Corinthians 13 explores the beauty of love, but Paul had to write it because they didn’t know how to love each other at all!

Notice an important word in the Acts 2 passage. "They devoted themselves." If you're going to get together with your people every day and have meaningful conversations, that takes devotion. Even if you're married, having a substantial conversation with your spouse every day takes work. Getting beyond "Where are you going? What are they doing? Who's in trouble? What's due tomorrow?" requires intentional effort.

The early Christians didn't stumble into this kind of community. They devoted themselves to it. It wasn't just a priority; it was THE priority.

Crystal Paine puts it this way: "Living with intention means saying no to things that aren't important so you can say yes to what matters most."

The kind of relationships you want are only possible when you say no to other things. Think about the best relationships in your life. Allow a name and face to come to mind. That relationship didn't “accidentally” develop. If you have a great marriage, you didn't just stumble into it. It came because you were intentional!

When I think about my default settings, I tend to say yes to everything, while my wife's default is no. When we're in a good place, this balance works great. When we're not, it creates tension. However, the principle remains: you must be intentional about what you say yes to and what you say no to.

My Wednesday morning group spent lots of hours together, but they weren't vulnerable hours. We'd clocked the time, but we hadn't been intentional at digging beneath the surface so we could actually know each other.

The difference between casual friendship and deep friendship isn't always additional time. Not all hours are created equal. After all, three hours watching a football game together isn't necessarily the same as three hours being stuck in an elevator together. The level of intimacy and sharing varies significantly based on the intentionality and vulnerability present.

Most of us are waiting for relationships just to happen without any effort. While the church in Acts 2 was natural in its love for each other, they were also intentional about creating space for that love to grow.

Here’s the important question to consider: "What do I need to say no to so I can say yes to the relationships that matter most? What distractions are taking up space that could be used for deeper connections?"

Tomorrow, we'll tackle our final obstacle to building lasting relationships - something almost all of us struggle with.