Carrying Hope: Encouragement for Men Who Love Someone Struggling With Mental HealthSample

Humility to Learn and to Love

As the doctor finished his presentation on the neuroscience of an eating disorder (making it simple enough for even me to understand), I was overcome with this one thought – “how could I not know?” “How could I not understand?”

For over a month, Stacee had been a patient in an eating disorder treatment program for her battle with anorexia, and I was participating in a week of sessions for family members to provide both support and education about our loved one’s illness. As the doctor’s presentation concluded, my emotions flowed as this realization became clear: Stacee and I had shared thousands of meals, and nearly every time, something completely different was going on inside her brain than mine.

While I usually enjoyed our meals, Stacee’s anorexia created this confusing concoction of brain signals mixing anxiety, fear, and other negative emotions into a jumble of intense mental and emotional stress. Our shared experience, so common and so frequent, was experienced mentally and emotionally so differently – and for many years I was blind to it.

For the man who loves someone struggling with mental illness, it's really hard, if not impossible, to fully understand how our loved one sees and interprets the world. Stacee often speaks of a darkness and a mental pain I do not experience and don’t fully understand. If you’ve never experienced depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, the temptation to self-harm, or the specific mental health struggle your wife, daughter or son experiences, it can be hard to truly grasp the pain they feel.

But even when you don’t understand, you can love. You can support, and you can grow, both in understanding and also in empathy for their mental darkness and pain.

Empathy requires humility, reflecting a heart and mind willing to admit you don’t fully understand, you don’t have all the answers, but still you will care.

Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy is distant, it feels but briefly, ultimately saying “your problem is not my problem.” Empathy, though, doesn’t just view from a distance. It engages, it embraces, it commits, it says, “I am here, I am with you,” and promises, “you will not go through this alone.” Sympathy may feel, but empathy loves.

As fully human and fully God, Jesus loves, understands and empathizes with us in all our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:14-16). As His love grows inside of you, you will be equipped to love and to better empathize with those you love. Striving to better understand your loved one’s mental health struggle is both a fruit and a sign to them of your love.

Friend, through God’s strength, be humble enough to love even when you don’t fully understand. Your empathy, empowered by God’s love, will help your loved one heal.

“As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV).”