Carrying Hope: Encouragement for Men Who Love Someone Struggling With Mental HealthSample

Denial: The False Safety

During Stacee’s very first psychiatrist appointment, the doctor wrapped up the visit by shocking us with his diagnosis: Stacee had an eating disorder. I remember looking him square in the eyes and telling him, "that’s not possible, Stacee had struggled with 'some anorexia' in college but that was 'far in the past.'" I was angry. We had just paid this guy to diagnose Stacee with something she had been “done with” for almost fifteen years.

Man, was I in denial.

Sadly, that first appointment wasn’t the only time I’ve argued with one of Stacee’s doctors about the depth of her mental health struggle. It’s never really a good idea to argue with a therapist about being in denial – you are only proving their point for them!

If you find yourself in denial about the mental illness your wife or child may be experiencing, you are not alone. Denial is common if not likely at first. It’s an effort to find safety and security by minimizing, putting off, or ignoring a problem desperately begging to be addressed. In our family’s mental illness journey, my denial was communicated in statements like “we just need to keep pressing on,” or “it’s just been a difficult couple of months, things will get better.”

But denial is a temporary and false safety. In hindsight, my denial was founded in fear of the perceived views and opinions of others, but it was also rooted in my personal judgments about mental illness. Up to that point in my life, I held the false belief that mental health was to be kept hidden and not discussed, that somehow mental illness revealed personal weakness, and that it ultimately reflected a moral failure of some nature.

In truth, my denial was protecting my pride. I was fearful to begin dealing with Stacee’s declining mental health because I had no idea where it would lead, including selfishly how it could impact my career and ministry.

I was in denial because I was afraid. I was afraid to face our reality because I was trusting in my ability (or lack thereof) to care for Stacee instead of trusting in God.

While my denial attempted to keep me “safe” it was actually only harming Stacee. Stacee was desperately trying to tell and show me that her mental health was not getting better, it was getting worse. Only the crisis of Stacee’s suicide attempt snapped me out of denial to proactively face our reality and seek professional help.

The only path out of denial is to face our fear and to trust in the One who has proven faithful and true. The remedy to denial is actually faith – the faith which trusts God and His Word, and acts in the confidence and assurance that He will not leave us to face our fears alone.

“The Lord is my light and salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1, NIV)

The mental illness recovery journey has been longer and harder than we could have expected. I had no idea what it would require of us, but I didn’t have to know each step at the beginning. We only had to start, and each step along the way God has held us close. Not even the depths and darkness of Stacee’s cruel disease could remove us from the grip of God’s loving hands (see John 10:28-29).

Friend, denial ultimately only hurts the one you love and delays their recovery. Place your trust in a safety far deeper and wider than you could ever provide for yourself or your family. Whatever you may be facing, God will not let you down. You and your loved one are safe with and in Him.