Shattered, Still ChosenSample

The Real Enemy

When you’re healing from childhood sexual abuse—or any kind of deep trauma—it’s easy to feel like your spouse is the enemy.

You might get frustrated when they don’t say the right thing. You might feel hurt when they pull away or shut down. You might feel unseen or unsupported—even when they’re trying their best.

I’ve been there.

There were moments I expected my husband to read my mind, to carry my pain, to always say the perfect words. But the truth?

He was doing the best he could… and so was I.

We were two broken people trying to figure out how to build something whole.

Healing from trauma is messy. It takes more than love—it takes communication, patience, and grace. It’s learning to say things like:

• “I’m having a tough day.”
• “I need a little space right now.”
• “I don’t need you to fix it—I just need you to be here.”

But in my pain, I didn’t always know how to say those things. Instead, I went silent. I shut down. I built invisible walls around my heart—and then felt abandoned when he didn’t know how to climb them.

And maybe, friend, you’ve done the same.

But here's what I had to learn: My husband is not the enemy.

The real enemy is the shame that tries to suffocate us.

The real enemy is the fear that whispers, “You’ll never be whole.”

The real enemy is the trauma that convinces us we’re too broken to be loved.

Ephesians 6 reminds us that we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood. We’re not fighting our spouse—we’re fighting what’s fighting against our healing.

This is spiritual. And the enemy would love nothing more than to drive a wedge between two people God has joined together—especially when healing is happening.

That’s why we have to put on the full armor of God.

We need truth to silence the lies.

We need peace to guard our hearts.

We need faith to fight back when the past resurfaces.

And we need the Word of God to remind us: we are not alone in this battle.

Friend, if you’re struggling to connect with your spouse right now, take a breath. Ask God to help you see clearly. Trauma is loud—but the Holy Spirit is louder. And He will guide you with wisdom, compassion, and peace.

Let your prayers be louder than your pain.

Let your love be stronger than your fear.

And remember: you are both on the same team.

Reflection:
In what ways have you misdirected your pain toward your spouse? Ask God to help you see the real source of the struggle—and to strengthen your marriage as you heal together.

Prayer:
God, sometimes I don’t know how to express what I need. Sometimes I feel like I’m at war—with myself, my past, and even the person I love most. Help me remember that my spouse is not my enemy. Open the lines of communication. Fill our home with grace. And teach us how to fight together instead of apart. In Jesus’ name, amen.