Loving Through ListeningSample

Asking Meaningful Questions

Learning how to ask good questions is paramount in listening well. Good questions - those that are thoughtful, short, respectful, pertinent, and open-ended (open-ended questions cannot be answered with ‘Yes’ or ‘No’) - invite thoughtful responses, stories, and opportunities to express how the person is feeling. Leading questions, judgmental questions, questions that suggest a solution, and the “Why?” questions can shut down conversation, causing the person sharing to retreat. It is also important that questions not be shot off rapid fire. Give them time to consider and explore one question before asking another, listening well to their responses. Be curious and give time for them to ponder your questions.

Examples of Good Questions:

• Can you put words to the tears that are starting to come?
• What about his/her words feel true or have some power for you? What sticks?
• Do you want to say more about that? (about the anxiety, the rejection, the betrayal)
• What are you doing with the hurt? It’s so hard to contend with the hurt.
• How are you making sense of that accident, betrayal, situation?
• I wonder if you are able to allow yourself to be angry at what was done, what happened to you? I feel angry with you, on your behalf.
• Where are you bracing? (your gut? teeth clenched? shoulders tight?)
• How are you feeling in your body right now?

If there is any confusion or doubt about what you are hearing (especially if you sense that it’s important), take the opportunity to clarify. Ask her if you may repeat what you think you heard, so that she can confirm that you heard correctly. Try to “mirror” what she said. This kind of active listening is very valuable.

Jesus is our ultimate example. He asked over 300 simple and brilliant questions in the gospels, engaging with individuals of all walks of life. He often stopped what he was doing to offer care to hurting people, and embraced their interruptions. I wish I could have witnessed his body language and the love he showed as he conversed with ordinary people around him. I wonder how he bore witness to their stories of pain as well as their joys. Here are a few of the questions Jesus is recorded asking:

• What do you want me to do for you? Matthew 20:32, Mark 10:36, 51 Luke 18:41, John 1:38 NIV
• Why are you afraid? Matthew 8:26 NLT
• Do you believe that I am able to do this? Matthew 9:28 NIV

Our prayer is that all of this will help you to move in union with God as Jesus did, so that when listening, you may see an entry point into someone’s story when appropriate, asking questions, allowing for a deeper level of engagement with the person sitting next to you.

As you ponder all this with God today, ask Him:

Father, when have I experienced the value of asking good, wise, kind, and thoughtful questions?

Jesus, when have I experienced being asked good questions, in ways that invite deeper consideration, exploration, and connection?

Spirit, when have I been engaged with curiosity and without judgment in my story? Please help me and guide me in how to be curious and open without judgment as I listen to others. May my being present to your Presence bring wisdom in the moment to know when to ask and engage, when a pause is needed, and when to sit quietly.