Upgrade Your Sex LifeSample

 Sex and Order

Frequency of sex is a big topic in my office. 

I often hear,

“How often should we be having sex?”

“We both don’t agree on how much sex we should be having.”

 “My husband/wife rarely wants to have sex with me.”

So, how do two people on two opposite sides of a desired frequency spectrum come to a mutual understanding regarding the frequency of sex in your marriage? Well, let’s take a look at scripture. 

Amos 3:3 asks the question - how can two walk together unless they are in agreement? 

If you are in disagreement with your spouse on how often you sex should be happening, don’t you think it would be great to get to a place where you can walk in agreement with each other?  

In my office, we utilize a concept called sexual agreements for couples to therapeutically get on the same track sexually. 

A sexual agreement occurs when a couple intelligently and calmly discusses how often they both desire to have sexual intimacy and then fairly distributes the responsibility for initiating sex. The husband and wife decide verbally and then record how they want to structure their sexuality so that both are reasonably happy. Reasonably is a very important word. Life is about negotiation. This is especially true in a marriage. In sexual agreement, we must apply the Amos 3:3 principle that says that two must agree to walk together. If you don’t agree on a sexual system, you are still creating one without really agreeing about it. 

While creating your sexual agreement, I ask you to do three things: 

1. Be open-minded to each other’s sexual needs


2. Be honest about your sexuality


3. If you can’t do this together get professional help 

To start, both write on a piece of paper your own personal preferences for frequency. Then, share what you have written and begin negotiating. This is your marital sexual system, so you can be as creative as you desire. Some couples schedule the days of the week they desire to be intimate Some split the week up and have one person initiate for half of the frequency the first half of the week and the other spouse initiates the second half. Some couples rotate the initiation for each week. How your sexual agreement works is completely up to you! 

The benefits of walking in sexual agreement are tremendous. In my own life, sexual agreement has brought clarity and peace into my marriage. Sexual agreement can reduce sexual anxiety and helps create a sexual peace. I’ve seen numerous couples significantly increase intimacy after they have been consistent with a sexual system. Sexual issues in the past drained both the husband and the wife, but when they no longer had to manipulate, argue, fuss or pout about sex anymore, they discovered a lot more energy to just enjoy each other. 

For more information about developing your sex life, Upgrade Your Sex Life is a toolkit to help you develop a healthy and pleasureful sex life with your spouse!