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Before You SplitSample

Before You Split

DAY 1 OF 5

“Your Choice”

On our wedding day, Carey and I went to great lengths to look our best. However, we found that our marriage, years later, was not so picture-perfect. Our wounds and weaknesses weren’t visible in our wedding photos, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there. Over time, they showed up in our words and actions toward each other as we struggled to reconcile our differences. 

Most people sincerely believe their husband or wife is mainly to blame for their marriage troubles. But is it possible that assigning blame misses the point? The human tendency for me, for you is to avoid personal responsibility by blaming the other person. But could your past wounds—your pain on the inside—be at least partly responsible for your struggles? Right now you may not see the baggage that you and your spouse dragged into your marriage. The cause for your emotional turmoil may have little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with what hap­pened before he or she came along.

It’s not easy and it’s not painless to get to the roots of your problems. But Jesus will lead you there if you let him. You can get out of that futile cycle of blame if you are willing to search out your own part. 

Although you may feel too fed up to look inward, there is a way. The Way. Even if you can’t lean on your partner right now, Jesus will help you by lifting the burden from your shoulders. He invites you to share the weight of it with him. Although it may not happen right away, Jesus will transform your burden to make it “easy” and “light” (Matthew 11: 28).

Don’t underestimate the importance of the choice you have. Only you can choose to search for the wound or the baggage you’ve carried from your past into your present. It is connected to the painful words or actions of others that most likely took hold when you were younger and more vulnera­ble. 

God loves you and wants to help. Invite him in, and he will lead you toward his peace. As David prayed, “Search me, God, and know my heart… see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23, 24).

If you will allow God to move you through your pain, I promise you there is something amazing on the other side: a freer, full-of-life, and more loving version of you.

Lord Jesus, help me to search for the roots of my emotional pain that need your healing.  

Day 2

About this Plan

Before You Split

Toni Nieuwhof is a former divorce lawyer and pastor’s wife who wants to help couples find joy in each other again, even after the lowest lows. She asks, do you wonder if you’re done with your marriage? If you’re seeking ...


We would like to thank WaterBrook Multnomah for providing this plan. For more information, please visit:

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