Keep Calm and Marry On


How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse

Nothing binds a married couple together more closely and deeply than sex. That's why words like satisfy and enraptured are used to describe it in passages like Proverbs 5. But sex is more than a physical act. It involves the total person: emotion, intellect, and spirit. That's why we read that "Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived" (Genesis 4:1, emphasis added). Yes, this meant they had sex and she got pregnant, but their lovemaking was also a means of getting to know each other in one of the deepest ways possible.

Now, when you and your spouse experience sexual problems, that's often indicative of other problems in your marriage, like a light going off on the dashboard of your car. When that happens, you don't replace the dashboard; it's just telling you there's an issue somewhere else. In marriage, the issue usually isn't sex itself but things like irresponsibility, bitterness, lack of affection or time spent together, poor communication, or even infidelity. Without addressing those issues, you can't reasonably expect to have a healthy sex life.

Forgive my bluntness, but the act of sex doesn't take very long. If you want a vibrant sex life, try a little tenderness the other twenty-three and a half hours of the day. But don't use kindness just so you can have good sex; that's a backwards approach. And keep in mind, too, that men are like microwaves and women tend to be slow cookers in this area. When you and your spouse are consistently gracious, kind, and respectful to each other, then a healthy sex life will naturally follow.

When intimacy in marriage is easy, natural, and mutual, it produces joy. When it's pressured, demanding, and selfish, it's devastating. Whatever you do, don't ignore the warning light on the dashboard. Be brave, address the issues—getting professional Christian counseling if necessary—and trust God to help you work out those issues. The rewards for your perseverance are truly delightful.

God made the first husband and wife male and female, naked and unashamed, and it was good. He commanded them to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth. Sex is sacred within the marriage relationship, a coming together of body, soul, and spirit that brings such joy. Choose now to make true intimacy with your spouse your holy pursuit.

Tip #9: Keep the romance alive. Flirt with your spouse. Make yourselves attractive and appealing to each other in dress and actions. The Song of Solomon proclaims, "My beloved is mine, and I am his" (Song of Solomon 2:16). The way you courted your spouse is the same way you keep them