Naming the Darkness

I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, and I’ve served in ministry for over 30 years -- first as a worship leader, then as a deacon, elder, associate pastor, and for the past 14 years, as a senior pastor. From the outside, my life might look like one of steady faith and spiritual strength. But behind the scenes, I’ve lived with a quiet companion: depression.

Specifically, I’ve wrestled with dysthymia-- a persistent depressive disorder that’s been with me since my teenage years. It wasn’t until my twenties that I was formally diagnosed and began treatment. What was meant to be temporary support became a long-term necessity. I’ve also walked through seasons of Major Depressive Disorder, where the weight of it all impacted my relationships, my ministry, and my sense of self.

Living with dysthymia is like carrying a chronic low-grade fever. It doesn’t knock you out, but it wears you down. You learn to function, to smile, to serve... but inside, there’s a quiet ache. And for years, I didn’t have language for what I was experiencing. I just knew I felt “off,” and that joy, especially the kind Christians are supposed to have, felt elusive.

Naming the darkness didn’t fix everything, but it helped me stop pretending. It helped me begin to see that God wasn’t waiting for me to “snap out of it” before He would draw near. Psalm 42:11 (NLT) asks, “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?” That question echoes through my story. But the psalmist doesn’t stop there. He reminds himself, and us, to “put my hope in God.” Not in a cure. Not in a feeling. But in the One who walks with us through the valley.

Over the next six days, I’ll share more of my story -- moments of struggle, grace, and unexpected hope. My prayer is that in sharing my experience, you’ll feel less alone in yours. And that together, we’ll rediscover the truth that even in the shadows, Jesus is near.

Reflection Questions

• What words have you used to describe your own emotional pain?
• How has naming your struggle helped you begin to heal?

Prayer

God, I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here. I’m tired, and sometimes it’s hard to name what I’m feeling. If You’re close to those who are hurting, then please be close to me. Help me be honest with myself and with You. I want to believe You care, even when I can’t feel it. Show me how to take the next step, and remind me that I’m not alone. Amen.