Dangerous for Good, Part 2: IdentitySample

Day 4: The Mother Wound

As the primary female role model in a boy’s life, mothers are meant to play an important role in the development of their son’s identity, including their ability to be nurturing. This in turn affects how they relate to others, particularly to girls and women.

And like our fathers, if they haven’t experienced healing from their own woundedness, mothers can and will, deeply wound.

Mothers ought to be a child’s first teacher, caregiver, and support system. A mother’s love and nurturing are designed by God to positively impact a boy’s life.

One of the most significant impacts a mother has is the formation of a boy’s emotional intelligence. Boys who receive love and support from their mothers tend to have a better understanding of their own emotions as well as those of others. They tend to be better equipped to handle emotional challenges and have more emotionally open relationships with others.

Mothers also play a significant role in shaping a boy’s attitudes towards other women.

Mothers are designed to provide a sense of security and stability for boys, which is essential for their overall development. A mother’s love and presence can give boys the confidence they need to take risks, explore their interests, and learn new things.

Boyhood is when, for a time, we are bigger than the world, and we are the center of the universe. It is a time of receiving attention, provision, and a safe environment in which to play, to do, and to learn. -Michael Thompson, King Me

If your mother did not provide nurture and care, one can often feel a deep sense of abandonment and find difficulty connecting with others.

Also, if your mother was the primary wounder in your story and your father was passive and did not come to your rescue, or vice versa, the wounding becomes double edged: the wounding moment, along with the lack of rescue from the other parent.

This is the tragic power of the father and mother wound. It speaks a wounding message into the core of our being. And that message becomes a lie we believe, an agreement we make, a vow we live by.

"I am alone."
"I must prove my worth."
"I will never trust authority."
"I will always be in control."

These vows shape our false self—the version of us that hides, performs, and fears. We construct a life built on self-promotion, self-protection, and self-preservation. And yet, beneath it all, we remain that wounded little boy, longing to be seen, longing to be loved.

Wounds and their messages break our hearts, then agreements and vows based upon those wounds CLOSE our hearts, leaving us unable to receive and unable to live in our true selves, our true identity.

Agreements are just that, an agreement we make with the declaration made by the wound. I lose the game; Dad inflicts the wound by saying I’m a loser; I make the agreement that the statement is true, “I’m a loser.”

I make a mistake; Mom wounds me by asking how I could be so stupid; I make the agreement that I’m an idiot.

Vows are our declaration of self-protection. We wall out the pain, or so we think, unaware that we’re actually walling ourselves in with it. Vows take the form of "I will never" or "I will always”.

Vows are our will's reactions to agreements. In response to the wounds that happen to us, we draw conclusions and make binding declarations.

Deeply personal, woefully naïve attempts to solve for the pain our hearts have endured. We adopt them in a moment without weighing them with an oriented heart and they secure a deep operational place in us.

But there is hope.

God, our true Father, has never abandoned us. He sees the wounds. He knows the lies we have believed. And He longs to lead us into healing.

As you reflect on all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Jesus, how did my mother wound me? (something that happened that shouldn't have, or should have happened but didn’t) What is my mother wound?

Holy Spirit, what was the defining wounding message from that moment in my life? (a message of shame, fear, diminishment, rejection, etc.)

Father, what are the agreements and vows I've made about myself and others based on that wounding message? (always and/or never statements)