Dangerous for Good, Part 2: IdentitySample

Day 3: The Father Wound

There is a deep longing within every child—a hunger for the presence, love, and validation of their father. A father’s voice carries the power to affirm identity, to guide a boy into manhood, to bestow the blessing of being seen, known, and delighted in. Each child is asking: Do you see me? Do you love what you see?

But what happens when that voice is silent? Or worse—what happens when that voice wounds instead of blesses?

Fathers, present or absent, have a profound impact on our hearts. Some of us bear wounds from fathers who abandoned us, whether physically or emotionally. Others were wounded by fathers who were there but distant, uninvolved, or harsh. Some fathers taught us skills but never offered their delight. Some fathers worked tirelessly but never saw us. Some wanted to engage, but bound by their own wounds, simply could not.

The reality is this: wounded people wound people. And the enemy of our hearts will use these wounds to shape the way we see ourselves, others, and even God.

A boy needs a father to teach him, to guide him, to show him how life works—not just how to fix a car or throw a ball, but how to love, how to fight for what matters, how to stand firm in who he is and fight against who he is not. More than anything, he longs for his father’s presence, attention, and delight.

Michael Thompson writes in King Me, "During boyhood, being a beloved son—having a foundation as someone seen, wanted, and dearly loved—is the ideal bedrock on which to construct a man."

But for many of us, that foundation was cracked or missing altogether.

I remember moments with my father—not of closeness, but of quiet distance. He was a man who, I believe, wanted to be more engaged, but exhaustion and physical limitations kept him withdrawn. He taught me practical things, but I felt that he never truly saw me.

And so, my heart formed its own conclusion: I must not matter to him.

My agreement with the lie that I didn't matter to my dad bound me to moving in false-self ways of proving my worth.

In order to be free from the agreements and vows that tie us to the false self, we must seek understanding from God. Find a quiet spot and arrange for a good amount of time to enter into these questions. They’re not easy questions to move towards and can take us into some dark places of our past that are hard to revisit. But to become more free and more of our true self, we must head into the darkness, as Jerry Sittser says in his book A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss…

The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.

As you reflect on all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, how did my father wound me on my masculine journey? (something that happened that shouldn't have, or should have happened but didn’t) What is my father wound?

Jesus, what was the defining wounding message from that moment in my life? (a message of shame, fear, diminishment, rejection, etc.)

Holy Spirit, what are the agreements and vows I've made about myself and others based on that wounding message? (always and/or never statements)