Men After AbortionSample

What Are You REALLY Feeling?

Dealing with feelings can leave us reeling. Like warning lights on the dashboard, they point to something else. An abortion experience can be disorienting, and as a result, we may feel a whirlwind of emotions or even no emotions at all. As men, we often have a hard enough time understanding our feelings in good times, let alone when we feel like things are falling apart. Men can experience their partner's abortion very differently, and even at different times. Men can often feel detached, depressed, guilty, relieved; and guilty that they feel relieved, sad about their relationship deteriorating, and maybe other possible feelings. Whether these feelings are acute from a recent decision, or recurring from a decision made long ago, it’s normal to feel a number of, oftentimes, challenging and conflicting emotions, sometimes even at the same time.

“Feelings aren’t facts,” as the slogan goes, but that doesn’t mean it’s wise to ignore them. Unexamined emotions can hold us hostage. Imagine your inner thoughts and emotions tied up with duct tape and flexi-cuffs in a basement somewhere. We need to deal with feelings.

To identify what we’re really feeling requires that we stop, get quiet, and summon the courage to face the unknown. We may start with basic feelings like bad, sad, angry, or glad. These are just the first steps. We want to keep probing. Like peeling an onion skin, there’s layer after layer. Why am I sad? What happened? What is/was my role in this?

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you may be feeling. You’re human, which includes both good and bad. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If the feelings illuminate areas you’d like to grow or even negative traits about yourself, you can plan changes and improvements later. But for now, allowing yourself to simply understand how you feel after an abortion experience is a healthy start.

Emotions are not really good or bad, but they make us feel good or bad. Here’s what I mean.

At times we may respond with a volatile display of anger over a minor matter simply because it disrupted our personal comfort. On the other hand, we may be aloof and blasé to profound human suffering simply because it doesn’t personally affect us. An honest look in the mirror can be a gut punch.

The Psalms are a tremendous resource for us when we struggle with pain and problems. It’s been said, “The Bible speaks to us; but Psalms speak for us.” They feature a wide range of emotions and some profoundly troubled individuals wrestling with the slings and arrows of life. In Psalm 42:1-11 the psalmist speaks of isolation (v. 4), marginalization (v. 6) and feeling like he’s drowning (v. 7). He writes:

Why are you depressed, O my soul? Why are you upset?

Wait for God! For I will again give thanks

To my God for his saving intervention (Ps 42:5, 11; 43:5 NET)

This psalm is extraordinary because in the midst of his turmoil, the author speaks to himself and encourages himself to hang on and wait for relief. He talks back to the inner voice he hears in his head and speaks hope to his heart. A healthy assertive voice that questions or contradicts the inner voice that often condemns is an enormous first step on the road to wellness.

Today, allow yourself time to think and reflect. If you feel negatively about yourself, remember you are so much more than just what you feel. It’s ok, and even normal, to feel conflicting emotions after an abortion experience. Understanding your thoughts and feelings is a starting point.