For many years, I was a depressed Christian. I loved the Lord dearly and even knew that I was going to heaven when I died. However, I was unable to discover the joy of His presence on earth. I felt removed from hope and peace. The black hole of depression was my constant companion and my ugly friend.
This depression was birthed in a battle with infertility. I sent 5 babies to heaven all of whom had only lived in my womb for between 12 and 20 weeks. Each conception was a miracle… and each interruption was a crashing and heartbreaking devastation.
My hormones were out of control… my hopes were dashed… and my arms were empty. And worst of all, my heart was broken.
Although I had already given birth to 2 delightful, precocious, lively little boys, I knew that I had been created to be the mother of more. Motherhood was my destiny and my calling. Why was it all so difficult?
During these frighteningly hopeless days, I also developed an addiction. My addiction was not found in over-the-counter drugs, in a bottle filled with an alcoholic substance, nor was it attached to binge eating.
My addiction… my drug of choice… was truly a miracle. While I was depressed and reeling from the pain of dashed hopes, unanswered prayers, and a body that was betraying me, I became addicted to the Word of God.
During the days of blackness, the Bible became a source of joy and light.
During long nights of hopelessness, the Word of God spoke promises and purpose.
During months of discouragement, the Bible was a voice of encouragement and blessing.
My arms were still empty, but my heart was full. My prayers were as yet unanswered, but I was falling in love with Him… over and over and over again.
I would go through every single dark day of depression to know Jesus the way I know Him now.
I would walk through the valley of infertility and disappointment all over again in order to be the defiantly joyful woman that I am today.
Joyful Thought to Ponder: If joy is, indeed, found in His presence, then why do so many believers struggle with staying in a place of joy?