ThroughSample

David had his mighty men, and Jesus had his disciples. We all value the people who support us, especially in tough times. When our lives are disrupted, we realise the true impact of those who choose to walk alongside us. I use the word “choose” deliberately because they can also choose not to support us.

Sadly, we often see this in the break-up of a marriage or long-standing relationship. The battle lines are quickly drawn. Very soon, two camps emerge – a group supporting one ‘side’ and another backing the aggrieved ‘other’. It takes a strong individual to look beyond the emotions and accusations and to understand that both individuals are broken in one way or another and that both need healing and compassion.

In Proverbs, it says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Perhaps the word “brother” should be altered to “family”. It’s said that we can choose our friends, but we can’t choose our family. Those are the people who know us better than most. But family can also be a tangled web of past hurts, unresolved conflicts, and complex interactions. There may have been words spoken in the past which still cloud the present. But perhaps, as we go through a time of darkness, this might be the moment to reach out, to heal some of those wounds.

There’s great encouragement in being surrounded by groups of good people, especially as they try to understand our struggles and help us through them. Our church community may lift us in prayer, or Book Club friends might pop around with meals. Yet it’s in the smaller, more intimate interactions with just one individual that the impact is perhaps greatest.

David may have had his mighty men, but it was in his close relationship with Jonathan that we really see the power of friendship. Jesus spent three years with his twelve disciples, but he also had a few who were closer to him than others. He took only Peter, James, and John up the mountain with him when he underwent his transfiguration. We read of the “disciple whom Jesus loved”, which is generally accepted to be John. So even Jesus had a few especially close friends.

In the intimacy of our friendships, we should allow ourselves to be carried. We need to surrender all pride and self-sufficiency and to appreciate the efforts of our family and friends to reach out to us. To demolish all the carefully constructed facades we’ve hidden behind for years and to reveal our true selves. It’s time for honesty. For sincerity about how we’re coping and if there’s something which the other person can do to help us. Some of the kindest words we might hear from a friend are: “How are you? Really...”

Times in the wilderness open opportunities for the reestablishment of relationships and the development of new ones. Think of Job’s three friends. Their advice, though well-meaning, did nothing to aid him in his pain. Instead, God eventually rebuked them for it before restoring Job. Proverbs reminds us that “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”

We must listen carefully to what those closest to us say and thank them for their concern. Their advice could be just the “perfume and incense” our hearts need at that time. But we must also hold up their advice against what we read in the Bible of God’s heart of love. Quite often in difficult times people will say only what they think the person who is suffering wants to hear. This may just feed self-pity and could be more destructive than beneficial. A good friend will speak truth into a situation, encouraging with an honesty which doesn’t intend to stroke the ego but rather bring true healing.

We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be distracted by those who choose to keep their distance. It’s certainly true that “Wealth attracts many friends, but even the closest friend of the poor person deserts them.” We may find that some who previously called us friends suddenly become distant because of our situation, especially if we’re no longer part of the ‘in-crowd’. As hurtful as this alienation is – and it does hurt badly – we must keep our trust in those who we know have our back. It helps to spend time with the people who choose to believe in us, and who have no expectation of what they might gain from that relationship.

Adversity holds a flame under relationships.

It has the power to destroy or to weld a bond which can’t be broken. Our strength to make it through the pain will be challenged, unless we fall into the arms of those who want to carry us. We should allow them to do so. We need to listen to what they say, but more than that, hear the compassion behind the words. Know that those people bring God’s hands and his voice to you in human form. Value their love and the choice they’ve made to be there. Most importantly, remember their comfort and reassuring presence because one day you’ll be required to bring that same compassion to others.

Some thoughts to ponder:

• How much do you allow yourself to be carried by those closest to you - or do you push them away?
• Have you allowed self-pity to dominate your thoughts and maybe also to affect your relationships?