Day 3: Map Your Support Network - When the Church Hurts the Church

Six months after Janet's husband died suddenly of a heart attack, she found herself dreading Sunday mornings. The same people who had surrounded her with casseroles and cards immediately after the funeral now seemed to cross the street to avoid her.

"I think they're tired of my grief," she told me. "Someone actually said to me last week, 'You seem to be dwelling on this. Maybe it's time to move on and count your blessings."

Janet had discovered one of the most painful truths about loss: sometimes the people you most expect to support you are the least equipped to handle your pain. And sometimes support shows up from the most unexpected places.

The mail carrier who had delivered mail to Janet and her husband for fifteen years started lingering on her porch each morning, asking how she was doing. Her neighbor's teenage daughter began stopping by to walk Janet's dog when she noticed Janet struggling to leave the house. These weren't the "right" people according to Janet's mental list, but they were the people showing up.

Why Church People Sometimes Fail at Grief: It's a hard truth, but often the people closest to us spiritually can be the least helpful when we're grieving. There are understandable reasons for this:

• They're uncomfortable with questions that don't have neat answers
• They want to fix your pain rather than sit with it
• They mistake spiritual platitudes for actual comfort
• They're genuinely at a loss for what to do with someone else's suffering

This doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human. But it does mean we need to be realistic about where our support will come from.

Biblical Community vs. Actual Community: Galatians tells us to "bear one another's burdens," but let's be honest—some people are better burden-bearers than others. The body of Christ includes people at all stages of spiritual and emotional maturity, and not everyone has developed the capacity to handle heavy grief.

The goal isn't to have perfect people around you. The goal is to identify who can support you in the way you need support, and to let others off the hook for expectations they can't meet.

Today's Reality Check: Draw three circles on a piece of paper—one inside the other, like a target.

Inner Circle: Your 2 AM People
These are the 1-3 people you could call in a genuine crisis and know they'd show up. They've seen you at your worst and didn't run. Write their names here and note what kind of support they provide (not what you wish they provided).

Middle Circle: Your Regular Support Network
These are people who care about you and check in, but might not be equipped for crisis-level support. They might provide practical help, regular social connection, or light emotional support.

Outer Circle: Your Broader Community
This includes acquaintances, professional connections, people from activities, online communities, and distant relatives. They provide a sense of belonging to something larger than yourself.

What to Notice:

• Who has actually shown up since your loss began?
• Who has been notably absent when you expected them to be present?
• What types of support do you need that you're not getting?
• Where might you be expecting the wrong people to provide the right support?

The Hard Truth About Church Support: Sometimes, the people who can quote Scripture and lead Bible studies are the least able to sit with your questions and doubts. Sometimes the person who brings you groceries every week has never set foot in your church. Sometimes your deepest spiritual conversations happen with people who wouldn't call themselves religious at all.

God provides support through all kinds of people. Don't limit His provision to the people wearing the "Christian" label.

Application: Look honestly at your support network as it exists, not as you wish it existed. Thank God for each person who has shown up, regardless of whether they fit your expected categories. Consider reaching out to one person who has been consistently present, not to ask for more help, but simply to acknowledge their faithfulness.

If your support feels thin, that's information, not judgment. It might be time to explore new connections or to lower expectations on relationships that can't bear the weight you're asking them to carry.

Prayer: Father, thank You for the people who have actually shown up during this hard time, even when they weren't the people I expected. Help me stop demanding support from people who can't give it and start appreciating the support You've provided through unexpected sources. Give me wisdom to know when to lean in and when to let go. And help me be the kind of support for others that I wish I had received. Amen.