Day 2: Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

Most women, upon discovering that their husbands are using pornography, experience a profound sense of betrayal and fear. Even when they try to remind themselves, “This isn’t about me. It’s his addiction. He would have done this regardless of who he married,” it still feels deeply personal.

This reaction is rooted in the way God designed marriage, as a profound, covenantal bond. As Jesus says, “They are no longer two, but one flesh” (Matt. 19:6). Psychologists refer to relational bonds as attachment. When someone’s primary attachment figure—typically a spouse—betrays that bond, it creates a unique and often devastating experience known as betrayal trauma.

Unlike other forms of trauma, betrayal trauma is distinct in several ways:

• The person who caused the harm is often unavoidable.
• Safety, identity, belonging, and purpose are often tied to the marriage relationship.
• Emotional regulation becomes harder because the brain’s attachment systems are deeply affected.
• The sense of life stability—especially for those with children—can feel shattered, and there's often a deep sense of helplessness.

As with other traumas, the nervous system often reacts with “fight, flight, or freeze.” Confusingly, you may cycle through all three responses in a single day.

The Relational Fallout

Betrayal trauma can impact every area of life, making it difficult to function normally. Relationships, especially the marriage itself, can become extremely strained. A woman may become hyper-vigilant, constantly watching for more betrayals. While this is the brain’s attempt to protect her, it can lead to behaviors that feel foreign to her, controlling tendencies, emotional withdrawal, or even denial.

Fear and grief often manifest as anger or rage—sometimes directed at her husband, sometimes at others. These reactions can lead to behaviors that conflict with her personal values, compounding the emotional weight with feelings of shame.

Even her relationship with God may suffer. She might feel anger toward Him, asking how He could allow this pain, or fear that this is a form of punishment for her own sins.

All of these reactions are common in betrayal trauma, but they pose a challenge: relational wounds require relational healing.

The God Who Heals

If a husband becomes willing to feel the weight of how his actions have hurt his wife, this can begin to bring comfort and healing. Still, empathy in recovery is a process, often unfolding in stages and requiring time.

A wife cannot fix her husband or repair the relationship on her own, but by expressing her feelings, needs, and experiences honestly, she begins to heal and may even help him understand the gravity of his actions.

Healing, however, usually also requires safe relationships outside the marriage. Many support groups exist specifically for women who have experienced betrayal through pornography. Trained mentors, counselors, and pastors can also offer crucial support. A free online community will be shared later in this plan as a potential starting point.

When it comes to her relationship with God, it may help to remember that He knows betrayal intimately. As the psalmist writes, “Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me” (Psalm 41:9), a verse foreshadowing the betrayal of Jesus. Jesus knows the pain of betrayal by a trusted companion.

God is not distant from this pain. “When the Lord saw her, He felt compassion for her…” (Luke 7:13a). The word compassion comes from Latin and means to suffer with. This is the kind of God who walks with His people through betrayal.

For many women, their relationship with God becomes a critical source of healing and comfort. Take God up on His offer to bring your burdens to Him, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28,NASB95).

Reflection Questions

1. What areas of your life and personhood feel most affected by your husband’s porn use: your identity, sense of belonging, sense of safety, sense of purpose, or something else?
2. Which of the betrayal trauma symptoms listed feel the most difficult to manage? Fight/ anger, flight/fear, freeze/isolating or loneliness?
3. Could your need for betrayal trauma healing be creating an opportunity right now to strengthen other safe relationships in your life, including your relationship with God? If so, what’s one step you could take today to get healing support?