TIME FOR A NEW SCRIPT
I’m sad because of the way I acted today. I’m disappointed in my lack of self-control. And the more I relive my emotionally driven tirade, the more my brain refuses sleep.
I have to figure this out. What is my problem? Why can’t I seem to control my reactions?
I stuff. I explode. And I don’t know how to get a handle on this. But God help me if I don’t get a handle on this. I will destroy the relationships I value most and weave into my life permanent threads of short-temperedness, shame, fear, and frustration.
Is that what I really want? Do I want my headstone to read, “Well, on the days she was nice she was really nice. But on the days she wasn’t, rest assured, hell hath no fury like the woman who lies beneath the ground right here”?
No. That’s not what I want. Not at all. I don’t want the script of my life to be written that way.
So, at 2:08 a.m., I vow to do better tomorrow. But better proves illusive and my vows wear thin in the face of daily annoyances and other unpleasant realities. Tears slip, and I’m worn out from trying. Always trying.
I feel broken. Unglued, actually. I have vowed to do better at 2:08 a.m. and 8:14 a.m. and 3:37 p.m. and 9:49 p.m. and many other minutes in between. So why aren’t things getting better? Why aren’t my reactions tamer?
I know what it’s like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child—and then to feel both the burden of my destructive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it.
The emotional demands keep on coming. Unrelenting insecurity. Wondering if anyone appreciates me. Feeling tired, stressed, and hormonal.
Feeling unglued is really all I’ve ever known. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s all I’ll ever be.
Those were the defeating thoughts I couldn’t escape. Maybe you can relate. If you relate to my hurt, I pray you will also relate to my hope.
While unglued is all I’ve really known, I believe that with God’s help, today my life can be different. That’s my personal revelation of hope. As you take this “Unglued Challenge” for the next 5 days, I hope you’ll see this is a safe place to address our tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between.
I am both a stuffer and an exploder. And I’ve experienced God’s tender mercies and grace given so many times it almost seems scandalous. How can our God be so patient? I don’t know. But He is.
Today, He’s offering us the fresh start our souls desperately need. Our key verse from Isaiah 41 promises He will help us. We can be different. A slate wiped clean. A page crisp-white. A chance to start rewriting the old scripts of past failures.
For me. For you. Together. We can do this.
God, thank You that this is a new twenty-four hours. Today, I want to believe I can start writing a new script for my life. Help me to overcome the disbelief I have from my past failures. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.