Love, Intimacy and Sex in the Second Half of Marriage: Part 3 - SEXSample

Talking About Sex

We all hope for great sex in our marriage relationship. But over time, life gets complicated. Work, kids, and all kinds of things take our time and energy. Far too often, sex gets put on the back burner. The fire is still burning, but it’s set on simmer instead of high.

If you asked God what He wants for you in your sex life in your marriage today, what do you think He would say? We see in Proverbs 5 that God’s intent is for sexual satisfaction to continue throughout the course of marriage. It does not die out. Now, how do you make that happen?

People ask me all the time what is “normal” regarding frequency. This is my answer: Don’t ask what’s “normal” in general, rather ask, “What is our normal?” Asking how often is “normal” for married couples to have sex can be a dangerous question because the answer is what works for that couple in their current season of life, and it may be very different for each couple.

Every couple is unique, therefore what works for them as far as frequency is unique to them and their life together. I think it is so interesting as Paul talks about frequency in 1 Corinthians 7, he gives us a great plan. First, it is servanthood. The husband gives the authority of his body over to his wife and his wife gives the authority over her body to her husband. Then Paul encourages us not to deprive each other of the sexual relationship except by mutual consent (which he defines as a time for devotion to prayer). Finally, Paul encourages the agreed upon frequency as a powerful way to fend off temptation.

Let’s define your normal: Marriages are different, lives are different, sex drives are different, and schedules are different. You want to take all that into consideration when deciding on your normal.

When we fight over frequency, our focus shifts and we are no longer embracing and enjoying the gift of sex in marriage as God intended. Your sex life will never be great until you quit arguing over frequency.

But don’t miss this point: frequency is not the issue. The issue is how you handle the frequency issue together. As you talk about it, the goal is not to convince your spouse to see things your way. The goal is to really listen to each other, “yield to” each other and consider one another as you look for a middle ground and a balance that works for each of you. Remember, you are not setting your normal for the rest of your marriage, only for where you are today.

Stick with the frequency conversation until you reach a solution that works for both of you. Be willing to compromise. Once you agree, try it for a month and then talk about it again. Is it working for you? If not, what needs to change?

Think about it this way: If you were not fighting over frequency, what could that do for your sex life?

Things To Think About

• What is your frequency now?
• Does that work for both of you?
• What frequency will work the best for both of you?
• How is God inviting you to “yield to” your spouse in this area?
• What would change if you were not fighting over frequency?