Cut the Criticism and Cultivate Companionship in Your MarriageSample

Is there room for criticism in my marriage?

We have looked at why being overly critical affects both you and your marriage. But is there ever room to offer criticism to your spouse? I think so. In marriage, we have the ability to “sharpen” one another, “as iron sharpens iron,” to further each of our growth and sanctification. The difference between an overly critical spirit and constructive criticism is the heart behind it.

Being overly critical places blame on your spouse in a way that doesn’t allow for them to redeem themself or the situation. For instance, something may be your spouse's fault in the sense that their action led to a certain outcome. Being overly critical would attribute the responsibility of not only the situation but also how you feel about it to your spouse. It may include the negative assumption that they messed up intentionally or meant to hurt you.

A loving critique might address the wrongdoing - and even acknowledge your spouse's role in it - but would create an atmosphere that allows your spouse to do the next right thing. To redeem the situation or work towards fixing what’s broken. It offers grace and forgiveness and does not hold the wrongdoing over their head.

A loving spirit seeks to build up and encourage (Ephesians 4:29). It honors truth while extending grace. The fact is, you are going to receive and deal out criticism in your marriage, but the way you do it will contribute to the atmosphere you create!

You can offer lovingly constructive criticism that points them to the full potential of who God created them to be. You can - and should - be honest with your spouse when something they do hurts you. But you should not equate the hurtful action with your spouse’s overall character.

If your comments are driven by a desire for control, a sense of pride, or resentful anger, then chances are you are going to frame your spouse in a negative light and miss the things they are getting right. If you attack their character, not only will they not feel safe, but it will breed insecurity and mistrust. If you are unwilling to hear their feedback toward you, the relationship will feel unbalanced. Make sure you are looking to hear their perspective as much as you want to share yours - or more! Seek out their perspective. We can learn a lot from how our spouse sees and experiences us.

When the goal with hard conversations is a desire for your marriage to improve, the two of you to grow closer, and for God to be honored, you will see that not only are you kinder to your spouse, but you will value them more deeply. You will develop companionship. You will see the good you are looking for.

Prayer:

God, please help me to give and receive criticism in a way that honors you and our marriage. I don’t want to just be married to my spouse, I want us to be companions and friends. I want us to respect one another and offer kindness in our critiques. Help us to understand the value in healthy communication habits and begin implementing them into the framework of our marriage. God, above all, help us to love the way you love.

Continue to build your companionship with 25 Tips To Resolving Conflict The Healthy Way

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. But if we learn to handle it well, we can actually grow our relationship. Use this cheat sheet to troubleshoot your conflict and help it become healthier and more productive.

Our 25 Tips To Resolve Conflict the Healthy Way is an 11-page cheat sheet with Dr. Kim’s best time-tested tools to help you resolve conflict more effectively. Dr. Kim has been married for 53 years and a professional counselor for over 40 years. His tips are gleaned from both personal and professional experience. Grab the cheat sheet here!