30 Ways To Strengthen Your FamilySample

Set the Example

We’ve all heard the old adage “Do as I say, not as I do.” Of course, the reason that’s a joke is precisely because you can’t expect children to do that at all. If anything, it’s the opposite. If your actions don’t match your words, they’ll ignore the latter, no matter how carefully you couch your “pearls of wisdom.” As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Don’t say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.”

Show me a child who doesn’t interrupt, for example. I guarantee you his parents haven’t simply said, “Don’t interrupt—it isn’t nice.” That child has seen his parents listen patiently when other people are talking, and he has learned to imitate their good behavior. Show me a teenager who is generous, and I know to expect the same trait from her mother and father, who—and this is a crucial point—may not even realize they’re being watched and copied.

What we have to keep in mind is that our children are watching and learning, for good or for ill. They watch our interactions and reactions with others. For instance, when they hear us refuse to listen to a dirty joke, that makes an impression. When we watch our language, they do likewise. When we lose a game graciously, they learn how to react when the same thing happens to them.

I’m not suggesting you have to be perfect. We all make mistakes from time to time. But remember, children learn from what they see and hear you doing. They pick up on patterns. So we’ve got to try our best to make those patterns worth emulating.

That can be quite a challenge in a culture that celebrates childish and boorish behavior. In movies, books, and television shows, today’s stars prefer impulse to self-control. “Everywhere I turn today I see men who refuse to grow up,” wrote Gary Cross, a history professor at Pennsylvania State University, in his book Men to Boys: The Making of Modern Immaturity. Boys today are looking up to actors like Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell, and the popular female actresses are almost all sex symbols. There is a serious shortage of honorable rolemodels in the media.

You must set a good example. Your children are looking to you for guidance, whether you or they even realize it. If you’re not already taking that responsibility seriously, now is the time to start.