Losing My Voice To Find It By Mark StuartSample

We will all come to a moment when we realize we never really had control over our lives. Control is an illusion brought on by pride. Whether by will or by force, it’s when our control is gone that we truly experience God. After a long career, after tours and albums and awards, after youth group rooms and stadiums, after doubting God then believing in him then doubting him again, after bleeding my life on stage after stage until there was no more, and after doing it with the men I loved and trusted most, this was the greatest truth I knew. It was my last song.

“Losing Control” is skeletal in its simplicity. It opens with a raw, stripped-down acoustic guitar, strumming back and forth over two simple chords. My voice comes in. Broken. Honest. Barely heard above the guitar. The lyric is the story of a warrior at the end of his battle, submitting his last breath, finally relinquishing control. . . .

Most of our songs were recorded player by player, building the track with one instrument at a time. This song was recorded together, in one moment. Each of us, in different rooms, was only connected by the music we were creating through headphones. We could see each other through the soundproof glass, but the lights were so dim it was hard to make out any facial expressions. By this time in our career, we didn’t need to see each other. We could feel what everyone was thinking at the same time. What we were thinking was that this was our last song. Our last moment together in the studio. The producer hit record, and the click track started.

I was known for having one of the most powerful voices in one of the biggest Christian rock bands of all time. My voice once commanded stadium-sized audiences. Here, in front of those who knew this best, my voice was veiled behind loss, reduced to whisper-like utterances of barely audible lines. In those lyrics, after the verse, I found the truth.

God came down and walked beside me.

God came down.

He sent friends to guide me.

God came down to remind me this is what it feels like to be loved.

 

The producer released the recording button. No one said anything after the song was over. We knew how each other felt.

The album was complete. Until My Heart Caves In was as honest an album as we ever made. It went on to win a Grammy.