I share with you from a place of loss and heartache, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I share about miscarriage; a loss experienced by so many. Recently—in the middle of Baby Loss Awareness Month—I lost my precious baby. A life I had the honor and joy to carry within me for nine wonderful weeks before he or she passed on to be with the Father.
Our baby was coming unexpectedly during one of the hardest seasons for my husband and me, and it was such a blessing of hope in discouraging times. I went into a hospital room for a dating ultrasound and sat in silence while the tech took measurements. She said nothing, shut off the machine, and told me I was good to go. This couldn’t be it, I thought. So, I asked how far along my baby was and she said I measured at 8 weeks and 6 days. Then, the next day, I received that dreaded phone call from my midwife that there was no heartbeat. I was in the car, on my way to work, and I let out a sob never uttered before.
As I sat on the couch after hearing the news, I spent a lot of time grieving and talking to my belly. Sure, I knew he or she couldn’t hear me but I just had to speak words of endearment over my little love. I had to tell my baby all the things I would ever want to say to a child of mine.
Then, anger set in. Doubt in His goodness came crashing in like a tidal wave. How could this happen? As if this season wasn’t already the hardest season I’ve ever been through—when I thought it couldn’t get worse—I lost a child. Why?
I yelled, I questioned, I called into doubt His goodness. I struggled to see how this could be good. I began thinking about the announcement photo session we had planned; the list of baby items I’d already started compiling; the maternity bin I had pulled out; the pregnancy journal I had just received in the mail and was eager to fill out; they were now empty memories of hope deferred.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, you likely know how I feel and have asked the same questions. Had the same doubts. Wondered how to find God’s goodness in the darkness. We aren’t promised a life without trouble but we are promised that God has overcome all our troubles and that there is hope. Over the next few days, I want to encourage you with what I have found in Scripture and what’s helped encourage me. But before we go there, let me just say--I’m so sorry for your loss, mama. Please know you don’t have to go through this alone.