How to Thrive as a Pastor's WifeShembull

Day Five: Locating Your Marriage

In my experience, marriage is an aspect of our life we need great clarity on, because without intentional thought and action, our marriage too easily becomes entwined with ministry. We must learn, then, to draw boundaries around our marriage, not only that we might experience the joy and delight God intends for us in marriage but also that we may protect and maintain it.

I write this from experience. I know the anguish of feeling like there is a third person—the church—in our marriage. I know the bitterness of feeling like it’s my duty to share my husband with everyone. I’ve resented the almost magnetic pull my husband feels toward his job and meeting the needs of others.

Because many couples in ministry exist with the ministry itself as the centerpiece of their relationship, I’d like to suggest something better, something more biblical, and something that infuses joy rather than mere obligation into both our ministry and our marriage.

This “something better” stems from the foundational truth that Jesus is the head of the church (Colossians 2:19). He is the Chief Shepherd, and we join Him as under-shepherds in caring for His flock (1 Peter 5:1–4). Christ is the source of the church’s growth and holiness (Ephesians 4:15–16; 1 Corinthians 3:6). Christ is the bridegroom, and the church is His bride (John 3:29).

All of these biblical truths teach us that Christ vows to love, cherish, nurture, lead, and care for the church. While we wholeheartedly serve the bride and bridegroom as groomsmen and bridesmaids, our covenantal vow is to our spouse, not to the church.

This is an important distinction because, although we will partner with our husband in fulfilling the work of ministry, the church doesn’t take precedence over our marriage. The church is Christ’s, and His covenantal vow is to her.

Before you are a pastor’s wife, then, you’re a spouse, friend, and lover to your husband. Your biblical calling to love, respect, edify, and help Him is a higher calling than anything you do outside your home. Of course, that calling will overflow into the church and community (as it does through all godly marriages), but it’s vitally important that you cultivate a relationship and partnership apart from ministry, or the foundation and all that’s built upon it will crack.

In what ways has the church taken precedence over your marriage? Ask God to help you build a marriage that reflects the boundaries He has put into place to bring freedom to your life and joy to your marriage.