Kenyon and Taccara Martin
Love's Anatomy Part 1 (Security)

Definition of Anatomy:
-The study of the structure or internal workings of something
-The separating or dividing into parts for detailed examination

You can’t maintain or excel in the relationships (romantic or otherwise) until you’re matured in Love. (1 Cor 13:3-8 NIV)

I John 4:18
- Love cannot be perfected without security.

The 4-Pillars of Love: Safety, Security, Trust, and Empathy

Security: Security is the atmosphere of dependability, consistency, and predictability that you create with someone. It gives them the audacity to believe in you as you establish the emotional, physical, and/or financial assurances within your relationships.

a. Security is the tone and temperature of the environment, set by your proven integrity and character.

Three Areas of Security: Emotional Security, Physical Security, and Financial Security.

Emotional Security: Emotional security is giving someone the confidence in knowing that you will be a dependable and steadfast presence in their life, even in their absence. It relies on your character to be who you promised them that you would be.

- Singles:
i. Being Secure for Others: This means making sure you maturing in character, and that you are consistent and dependable.
ii. Being Secure in Myself: It’s imperative that you deal with any inconsistencies in your past that have made you insecure in who you are, and in your relationships. (Bringing you to a fuller self-confidence).
iii. Them Being Secure for Me: You must make sure that when you date (and build friendships), that you’re looking at the dependability and consistency of others.

- Singles with Children:
i. On top of everything mentioned above, you’re also establishing an environment of emotional security for your child(ren).
ii.Establishing security also means that whoever you are in a relationship with (or who you allow in your environment), understands your role as a parent.
iii. Whoever you invest time in must possess the right kind of character and consistency to secure you and your child(ren).

- Married: Your spouse’s security can only be determined by the way you’ve consistently been treating them.
i. What have their experiences with you been? This is what builds or breaks down their confidence in you.

- Blended Families:
i. As a couple, you establish security in your environment.
ii. First you establish emotional security with each other. You never want to cause your spouse to question their confidence in you.
iii. Second, you establish emotional security within the family. You want the children to have confidence in you two as one unit.
iv. Third, you practice reciprocal security. If you want the children to have confidence in you, you have to begin to exercise confidence in the children.

Insecurity vs. Being Unsecured:
- Being insecure is based on your internal fears and beliefs.
- Being unsecured is being left uncovered, unprotected, or unguarded by those closest to us.
- Being insecure happens within you while being unsecured happens to you.You are responsible for healing your past insecurities. However, in a healthy relationship, when you disclose your propensity for insecurity, those who are closest to you should guard or cover your insecurities through their actions and behavior.
- In cases where a spouse has been left unsecured, resulting in insecurity, it is the responsibility of both to reestablish a secure environment.

Physical Security: Physical security is the mental and emotional disposition of being physically cherished. It encompasses physical affection, physiological adaptation, and the obvious aspects of physical protection.

Physical Affection - Physical Affection tells us that we are loved, wanted and desired. We are built for it.

- Singles: You are created to want to connect to someone else.
--> Your desire isn’t the issue. It only becomes an issue when it goes unguarded.
- Married Couples: You have the awesome responsibility of physically expressing to your spouse that they are wanted and desired by you.
--> The lack of physical affection is interpreted as personal rejection, and your brain is wired to respond to that rejection the same way it responds to physical pain.

Physiological adaptation: Physiological adaptation is how the internal functions of our body responds and adapts to external stimulation like music or touch or even violence. Proverbs 12:25 TPT

a. Whether it is from the present or the past, we all have adapted to the environments that have shaped us.

b. In the case of negative environments or experiences, we can literally learn and adapt to them without realizing that we are carrying them into the future. They show up in our:
i. Conversations
ii. Expectations
iii. Reactions
iv. Habits
v. Triggers/Fears

c. This is the reason why we must deal with those things that have broken us in our past, because we will inadvertently carry them forward into other relationships, further hurting ourselves and/or breaking someone else.

d. When you get used to bad circumstances you might not like them, but you become comfortable in them.

Men:
i. As leaders in your community, homes, teams, etc. It’s so important for you to acknowledge your vulnerability to pain and hurt. It’s important to face the circumstances that you may have been molded in.
ii. By doing so you prepare and arm yourself to not repeat what hurt you.
iii. This is why male fellowship and mentorship is so important. To be in the trusted company of other men that you can trust and be safe with in that vulnerability.
iv.When men have a place to face their pain, they can prevent becoming distributors of that pain.

Financial Security:
Dave Ramsey defines financial security as “having the money to achieve a desired standard of living now while still being able to cover emergencies and future financial goals.”

a. The greatest source of financial stress and anxiety for marriages, is lack of communication to each other about where you are financially. For singles, it’s avoiding where you are financially.

b. For Singles: Communication about your finances begins with you.
i. It’s important to develop healthy habits of dealing with your finances
NOW so these habits don’t carry into your future relationships.
ii. The environments that have shaped us, have also shaped our relationship to money.
1. Scarcity
2. Carelessness
3. Greed
4. Peace
iii. It’s also important to never let someone shame you for your financial standards that you set for your mate.

c. Married Couples: Couples either don’t talk about money at all or they hide their money situation from their spouse altogether.
i. It doesn't matter who makes the most money, who is “better” at handling money, or who is responsible for handling the finances, money should never be kept a secret in your marriage.
ii. This is one of the most destructive secrets you can have because it leaves your spouse completely in the dark and completely unsecured.
iii. Your spouse should never have to worry or wonder if there is a catastrophe waiting for them that could pull their foundation from under them.
iv. As a safe and secured unit, you should create budgets, plans, and living wills to make sure your lives are secured with one another.

Connect Group Questions (Singles):

Icebreaker: Introduce yourself and share your love language (if you know it)

1. When it comes to emotional security, what are some of the things that have either built up or broken down emotional security for you? (In your upbringing, past relationships, etc.)

2. Insecurity is a by-product of fear and self-doubt. Is there anything that scares you about the idea of opening yourself up to new relationships? What’s the best way to overcome that fear or insecurity?

3. Understanding that physical affection is a natural human need, how do you guard your heart while dating to ensure that your “need” isn’t taken advantage of?

4. Finish this statement: My relationship with money is ______________________________. Explain why.

Bonus Heart Work:
1. For the next week, create a list of everything that you need in order to feel emotionally secure (Do you like to know that someone is dependable? Do you value consistency? Do you need to be around people who are transparent? etc.)

2. Make a list of everything that you need to do within you in order to establish and/or maintain your emotional security (this includes maintaining your environment).

Connect Group Questions (Singles w/Children):

Icebreaker: Introduce your spouse and tell the group what makes your spouse amazing.

1. When it comes to emotional security, what are some of the things that have either built up or broken down emotional security for you? (In your upbringing, past relationships, etc.) How do/did you build up emotional security for your children?

2. Insecurity is a by-product of fear and self-doubt. Is there anything that scares you about the idea of opening yourself up to new relationships? What’s the best way to overcome that fear or insecurity?

3. Understanding that physical affection is a natural human need, how do you guard your heart while dating to ensure that your “need” isn’t taken advantage of?

4. Finish this statement: My relationship with money is ______________________________. Explain why.


Bonus Heart Work:
1. For the next week, create a list of everything that you need in order to feel emotionally secure (Do you like to know that someone is dependable? Do you value consistency? Do you need to be around people who are transparent? etc.)

2. Make a list of everything that you need to do within you in order to establish and/or maintain your emotional security (this includes maintaining your environment).

Connect Group Questions (Traditional Married Couples):

Icebreaker: Introduce yourself and tell the group one thing that your spouse does that makes you feel loved.

1. When it comes to emotional security, did you come with emotional scars that your spouse had to pay special attention to, or learn to navigate?

2. What is the best way to respond to your spouse if they tell you that something you do leaves them feeling “unsecured” in your marriage?

3. Understanding that physical affection is a natural human need, how do you ensure that your spouse’s need is always “fed?”

4. Finish this sentence: Conversations about money and financial security in our home are_________________________________. Explain why.


Bonus Heart Work:
If tomorrow came and you were gone, and your spouse was only left with your memories, what legacy of love do you want to leave with them? Write that down and set aside some time to share that with one another. THEN, ask yourself if you are treating them and loving them in a way that honors that legacy.

Connect Group Questions (Blended Families):

Ice Breaker: Introduce yourself and tell the group one thing that your spouse does that makes you feel loved.

1. When it comes to emotional security, your spouse and your new family may have emotional scars that you will have to pay attention to and learn to navigate. What can you do as a couple to provide emotional security in your fragile environment?

2. What is the best way to respond to your spouse if they tell you that something you do leaves them feeling “unsecured” in your marriage?

3. Understanding that physical affection is a natural human need, how do you ensure that your spouse’s need is always “fed?” If they’re young and still living in the home, do you take special care to feed the children’s need for physical affection as well?

4. Finish this sentence: Conversations about money and financial security in our home are________________________. Explain why.


Bonus Heart Work:
If tomorrow came and you were gone, and your spouse was only left with your memories, what legacy of love do you want to leave with them? Write that down and set aside some time to share that with one another. THEN, ask yourself if you are treating them and loving them in a way that honors that legacy.