Last week we talked about what it means to be in God's family, and how the definition of God's family helps us not only understand if we're in it, but how good of family members we’re being. I pray that it challenged you this week to really evaluate your life and see whether or not you are actually living out the values of the family of which you claim to be a part.

Interestingly enough, if we are broken in how we live our lives as members of God's family, it makes it difficult, impossible really, to operate effectively in any family.

Think about your own family, whether that's your family of origin, or the family that lives in your house with you right now. How dysfunctional does it get when Jesus isn't the center? How messed up can it be when people are being selfish and refuse to honor God with what they do?

We've said this before, but if your relationship with God is out of whack, the only relationships that are going to be functional in your life are those relationships with people who are chasing after ungodly things. Birds of a feather flock together, but this message is about the family, and specifically today about your family.

There is a word we use in our culture to describe our immediate family: Nuclear. A Nuclear Family. A nuclear family is a household group consisting of two parents and their children living together in one home.

I realize that specific definition does not describe every family represented at our church. There are blended families, there are single people, there's a variety, and while I am going to be speaking a lot to households today, what God wants to show you is something that's gonna help you no matter what your family structure looks like.

There's an interesting word in "nuclear family,” and that word is nuclear.

You may or may not know this, but there was a season in Monique's life where she could not get enough of documentaries on nuclear disasters.
Every week I was getting a breakdown of Chernobyl or Fukushima, 3 mile Island, etc. For her it was the processes that led up to the blowup that really interested her.

For most people, that “blow up” is what makes people nervous about nuclear.

So let’s talk about nuclear for a sec, and I promise I am going somewhere.

Pro: Nuclear delivers massive, insanely efficient, always-on, low-carbon electricity from a small footprint, which is exactly what power grids and data centers need. Con: Nuclear plants take years to construct and billions to build, leave long-lived waste, and just one accident can create such a disaster that creates uninhabitable areas for generations.

So basically, nuclear can either be effectively empowering, or it can drastically destructive.

Interestingly enough, the same is true in your family. You have the ability to either effectively empower, or to drastically destroy your family.

Here's a question that might punch a little:
Which have you done more of: Effectively empowering, or drastically destroying?

Let's talk through these for a moment in the hopes that you can identify some negative patterns and replace them with godly ones.

Let's start with how we can be destructive.

We typically are either empowering or destructive in the context of our families in three main ways: our intentions, our words, and our actions.

Intentions can be destructive.
Luke 22:1-6
1 The Festival of Unleavened Bread, which is also called Passover, was approaching. 2 The leading priests and teachers of religious law were plotting how to kill Jesus, but they were afraid of the people’s reaction. 3 Then Satan entered into Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve disciples, 4 and he went to the leading priests and captains of the Temple guard to discuss the best way to betray Jesus to them. 5 They were delighted, and they promised to give him money. 6 So he agreed and began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus so they could arrest him when the crowds weren’t around.

I am convinced that Judas started out with the correct intentions. We've talked before how Judas really did believe Jesus was the Messiah, just in the wrong way. Jesus did not come to overthrow the Romans, like most first century Jews expected of the Messiah, and over time, things began to shift in his heart towards Jesus.

His intentions were influenced because his expectations were not met. Where as before, Judas was expectant, excited, enamored by Jesus, but because those expectations of what the Messiah should have been in his mind were not met, his intent towards Jesus began to change.

When expectations within the context of our families are not met, what tends to happen is our intentions towards them shift. Women, when your husband acts impulsively and creates instability in your relationship, that makes your intention toward him change. Men, when you think your wife is not fulfilling your needs intimately, it makes your intention toward her change.

We can easily get into a scorekeeping mindset where we stop being a team and start being a rival. Something you've got to do constantly in any relationship you have is to routinely evaluate your expectations because they are going to either empower you towards godly intentions, or drive you towards destructive ones.

Intentions can be empowering, too.
While those expectations can lead to intentions that are destructive, expectations, when properly managed, lead to intentions that are godly, empowering, even.

Think about Peter. He wasn't the only one who had expectations of Jesus that were skewed. He rebuked Jesus when Jesus was talking about what would happen on the cross. He refused to have his feet washed. He doubted Jesus and actually ignored the command to stay in the boat when he walked on water. He boasted of how loyal he was even though that proved false.

Yet, because Peter stayed locked in on the person of Jesus, he was able to effectively address those expectations that were creating those intentions that could either be empowering or destructive. At the end of the day, Peter’s willingness to temper those expectations put him in a place where, even though his follow through was rough, his intentions were pure.

What does this look like in your family?
Sometimes our expectations of those in our family are irrational. We might find ourselves expecting them to respond or act in ways that are a higher standard than we hold ourselves to. Perhaps there's an expectation that they should be acting in a certain way that's not really fair, expecting perfection from them but forgiveness for ourselves.

Philippians 2:3–4
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

What intentions does God have towards you?
2 Timothy 1:9
He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace.
This is proof that God’ intentions towards you are for godly things, not just for your best, but for God’s best in you. His intention towards you is literally for his very best to be your reality.

What would change in your family if your intentions were for their very best? And even more, if your intentions were to do your best to make God’s best their reality?

Your intentions towards your family can either effectively empower or drastically destroy.

Words can be destructive.
Come on y'all, it does not take a rocket surgeon (lol) to figure this one out.
Every single person under the sound of my voice has had, at some point, someone speak death over them.

Man, the tongue is like a bomb. James 1:26
If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.

Proverbs 15:1-2, 4
1 A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. 2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness. 4 Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

“Deceitful” here is a word that is essentially: “in opposition to life-giving speech, destructive talk that deviates from godliness”

Proverbs 12:18
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Goodness, look at the contrast here!

Are you speaking words that empower or destroy? Build or deconstruct?
Are your words life-giving or life-taking?

Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

What does this look like in your family?
You can either empower or destroy. When you are upset, do you just let whatever you’re feeling come out of your mouth? Do you speak words that are intentionally meant to hurt? When an expectation is unmet, do you let your mouth be your vent?

Power is in the tongue. What you say matters. You can either empower your spouse or destroy them. Same with kids, etc.

Let me say one more thing here: Jesus warns us in Matthew 12:36–37
I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

Every word we speak has power attached to it and we are going to have to give an account of each word we speak.

But right before Jesus warns us with this chilling verse, he spoke Matthew 12:34
For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.

For some here today, the reason you speak destruction is because that’s what’s in your own heart.

Maybe there were words spoken over you that you’ve believed
Maybe there is sin in your life and you hate yourself over it
Maybe you feel like how you speak to others is how God speaks to you
Whatever it is, God wants to change your heart today, to soften it.

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

Our prayer should be Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Words can be empowering, too.
You don’t have to continue destroying with your words. What does your family need to hear from you today that would be life-giving words that build and encourage them? And if you said, “No one speaks those over me,” I hear you, but you’re wrong. God says, “I am with you, I have plans for your good, you are mine, I love you with an everlasting love, I will finish what I started in you, nothing can separate you from my love, my grace is enough, come to me and rest, I will strengthen and help you, I will give you my peace." The problem isn’t that no one speaks those words over you. The problem is that you haven’t listened as God speaks them over you. If you want to start speaking life you’ve got to start hearing life. And if you aren’t getting it from humans, get it from the source, Jesus.

Actions can be destructive.
We've said this 1 million times, but it is worth repeating: what you think determines what you believe, and what you believe determines what you do. Every action you do can be traced back to something you believed based on something you thought. That's why it's so important that you renew your mind like Romans 12 tells us. Again, we do this through the Word of God, allowing it to rewire the thought processes and mindsets that we've embraced over the years.

Think back over this last month. Have you committed any actions that were destructive in your family? If so, identify just one of them in your mind right now.

Can you tie a belief or a thought to why you did that action? For example:
"I yelled at my kid because they didn't do what I told them to."
Is that it? Just because they didn't do something?
"In that moment I felt disrespected, like my words didn't matter."
Gotcha. Is that a feeling you feel often?
"My whole life. No one has ever cared about anything I've said."
So your action was rooted in a narrative the enemy has been speaking to you your entire life that you've believed that you don't matter?

And by the way, this is where the enemy wants us. He wants us repeating those bad actions so the next generation is bound by them, too. At some point, someone has to be willing to break the cycle. Is that you?

Actions can be empowering, too.
You can be helpful instead of hateful. You can be opportunistic instead of overwhelmed. You can be grateful instead of grumpy. You can be empowering instead of destructive.

I understand that kid in that scenario is being disrespectful and rebellious.
But what does God do with us in a situation when we are being the same?
He reminds us of the expectation in his Word, and he disciplines us.

I understand that action that was done against you was painful and demoralizing. But does God hold us accountable for what other people do to us or for how we respond? He expects us to respond in a godly way that builds, that encourages, that repairs the breach in the wall.

Sometimes you can't control what happens to you.
An example of this is something we had no control over, which was the diagnosis that my daughter, Vivianne, received almost 10 years ago now. CTLA-4 haploinsufficiency is a rare genetic immune disorder caused by the loss of one functional copy of the CTLA4 gene, leading to uncontrolled T-cell activation and multisystem autoimmunity. Basically, her body does not produce a protein that tells the immune system to stop fighting infections, so it turns the immune system on the body.

When we first got the diagnosis, I definitely went through all of the “feels."
"Why God? I've devoted my life to you and this? Why won't you just heal her? What are you doing up there?” I even went through a denial phase where I refused to believe it.

But Monique and I had a choice, a very serious one.
It was actually less about the diagnosis, and exponentially more about how we responded. Were we going to be led by faith or by fear? Were we going to doubt or were we going to trust God? Were we going to pray for her healing or pray for her purpose to be realized, knowing that her purpose might not include her healing?

How were we going to respond when she was crying because of the needles, hurting because of the treatment, and even dealing with the stuff you might not think about, like why she's the only one in her third grade class that can't have a cupcake because she can’t have gluten?

You see, our actions were important because our actions indicated what we thought, what we believed, and they reflected what was going on in our own hearts. We could've cursed God, embraced the fear of the unknown, and metaphorically released a nuclear bomb in our family. Or we could trust God, embrace the truth that he loves her more than we do, that even in the hell of a terrifying diagnosis he still has a plan and a purpose for our little girl. We could point her towards Jesus, towards the prince of peace, towards the only one who could comfort us.

We could either blame God, or we could remind her, and remind ourselves, too, that he who began a good work in us, would see it through to completion, even if that completion didn't happen until we reached the other side.

We could either effectively empower our family or we could drastically destroy it.

We are not perfect and have definitely not been perfect in all of this, but there is one thing that is certain: We are going to work hard to empower our family not destroy it.

I know Satan is trying to destroy us, but I am not going to be on his side, tinkering with a bomb in some demonic lab that is meant to ruin my family.
I refuse to get on board with intentions that are destructive, words that tear down, and actions that ruin lives. Instead, I am choosing this day to serve Jesus and to be empowered by him to speak life over my family.

And it does by the way have to start with Jesus. If your relationship with Jesus is nonexistent or is broken, you will not be able to effectively speak the life over your family that you want to. So here's your chance right now to either initiate or restore that relationship
"Jesus I confess as Lord. I believe you died in rose again. Our pin of my sin. Save me.”

It is highly probable today that you have had some intentions, words, or actions that have been destructive in your sphere of influence. If you confess your sin, he is faithful and just to forgive you. Healing comes when we confess our sins to one another.

So today you can do two things:
- You can be forgiven for the destruction that you've caused with careless intentions, words, and actions.
- And you can find healing in reconciling with those people around you, in receiving forgiveness, and in choosing godly intentions, speaking life-giving words, and committing to empowering actions.

Let’s pray.