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Summit Church
Stay In The Circle Pt 1 | My Primary Problem | Jim Ladd
Locations & Times
Summit Church
7200 S Clinton St, Centennial, CO 80112, USA
Sunday 9:00 AM
Sunday 10:45 AM
Theme for the series: Want to fix your relationship? Draw a circle around yourself and fix everything inside that circle. Relational dysfunction is not mysterious—it is actually quite predictable.
The Big Idea: The best way to fix my relationships is to fix me.
The Big Idea: The best way to fix your relationships is to fix you.
When relationships break, don’t fix them first—fix you -
Here is how to get started:
1. Name My Internal Battles
Here is how to get started:
1. Name My Internal Battles
Fear → “I am exposed”
- Awareness cue: Am I reacting to protect my image more than to pursue truth?
- Counter: Courage to be seen honestly.
Shame → “Something is wrong with me”
- Awareness cue: Am I condemning myself instead of confronting the behavior?
- Counter: Identity anchored in truth, not performance.
Hiding → “I withdraw”
- Awareness cue: Am I avoiding conversation, accountability, or confession?
- Counter: Movement toward—bringing things into the light.
Blame → “It’s not my fault”
- Awareness cue: Where am I shifting responsibility instead of owning my part?
- Counter: Ownership without excuse.
Every broken relationship you’ve ever had contains these four.
These are not personality quirks—they are default settings of the human heart.
We don’t drift toward love—we drift toward self-protection.
If you don’t recognize the pattern, you will recreate the problem.
- Awareness cue: Am I reacting to protect my image more than to pursue truth?
- Counter: Courage to be seen honestly.
Shame → “Something is wrong with me”
- Awareness cue: Am I condemning myself instead of confronting the behavior?
- Counter: Identity anchored in truth, not performance.
Hiding → “I withdraw”
- Awareness cue: Am I avoiding conversation, accountability, or confession?
- Counter: Movement toward—bringing things into the light.
Blame → “It’s not my fault”
- Awareness cue: Where am I shifting responsibility instead of owning my part?
- Counter: Ownership without excuse.
Every broken relationship you’ve ever had contains these four.
These are not personality quirks—they are default settings of the human heart.
We don’t drift toward love—we drift toward self-protection.
If you don’t recognize the pattern, you will recreate the problem.
2. Choose My Friend and My Enemy
"You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
"You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
You don’t drift into love—you drift into self-protection.
And you must choose love to overcome your self-protective instincts.
And you must choose love to overcome your self-protective instincts.
Healing begins when ownership begins.
Adam and Eve both had a way forward—but only inside their circle
3. Get To Work With His Grace
"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
You don’t just name your reflexes—you replace them.
Resist
Come Near to God
Wash, purify, and humble yourself
HE WILL LIFT YOU UP!
Resist
Come Near to God
Wash, purify, and humble yourself
HE WILL LIFT YOU UP!
Old Reflex | New Response | Confession
Fear | God's Love | “Perfect Love casts out fear.”
Shame | Forgiveness | “Come to me...”
Hiding | Confession | “If we walk in the light...”
Blaming | Apologizing | “Confess your sins to one another...”
Fear | God's Love | “Perfect Love casts out fear.”
Shame | Forgiveness | “Come to me...”
Hiding | Confession | “If we walk in the light...”
Blaming | Apologizing | “Confess your sins to one another...”
Fear says: protect yourself → Love says: surrender yourself
Shame says: cover it up → Grace says: bring it into the light
Hiding says: stay safe → Confession says: find my Father
Blaming says: it’s their fault → Ownership says: this is mine
Shame says: cover it up → Grace says: bring it into the light
Hiding says: stay safe → Confession says: find my Father
Blaming says: it’s their fault → Ownership says: this is mine
Response:
- Draw the circle.
- Answer the questions:
• What am I afraid of?
• Where and why am I hiding?
• Who or what am I blaming?
• What do I need to take responsibility for?
- Take action:
One honest confession of ownership and one prayer of trust.
- Draw the circle.
- Answer the questions:
• What am I afraid of?
• Where and why am I hiding?
• Who or what am I blaming?
• What do I need to take responsibility for?
- Take action:
One honest confession of ownership and one prayer of trust.
Small Group Discussion Guide
Icebreakers
1. What’s a small, everyday frustration that tends to get under your skin more than it should?
2. When something goes wrong, do you tend to go quiet, defensive, or proactive? Why?
Discussion Questions
James 4:1–10
1. James says conflict comes from desires battling within us—what does that look like in real life for you?
2. Where do you most often see your internal battles show up in relationships (home, work, friendships)?
3. Why is it easier to focus on “fixing them” instead of examining yourself?
4. What do you think it practically means to “humble yourself before the Lord”?
Identifying the Four Reflexes (Genesis 3:7–13)
1. Which of the four reflexes—fear, shame, hiding, or blame—do you most naturally default to?
2. Think about a recent conflict: where did fear (“I am exposed”) show up in you?
3. How does shame distort the way you see yourself after failure?
4. In what ways do you tend to “hide” (avoid conversations, deflect, isolate, stay busy, etc.)?
5. Where are you most tempted to shift blame instead of taking ownership?
6. Why is ownership of your own issues so difficult but also so powerful in relationships?
7. What would it look like for you to fully “stand in your circle” in a current relationship tension? Give a specific case and ideas.
8. How does knowing there is “no condemnation in Christ” change the way you approach your failures?
9. Each of us answer (out loud if possible):
• What am I afraid of?
• Where am I hiding?
• Who or what am I blaming?
• What do I need to take responsibility for?
1. What’s a small, everyday frustration that tends to get under your skin more than it should?
2. When something goes wrong, do you tend to go quiet, defensive, or proactive? Why?
Discussion Questions
James 4:1–10
1. James says conflict comes from desires battling within us—what does that look like in real life for you?
2. Where do you most often see your internal battles show up in relationships (home, work, friendships)?
3. Why is it easier to focus on “fixing them” instead of examining yourself?
4. What do you think it practically means to “humble yourself before the Lord”?
Identifying the Four Reflexes (Genesis 3:7–13)
1. Which of the four reflexes—fear, shame, hiding, or blame—do you most naturally default to?
2. Think about a recent conflict: where did fear (“I am exposed”) show up in you?
3. How does shame distort the way you see yourself after failure?
4. In what ways do you tend to “hide” (avoid conversations, deflect, isolate, stay busy, etc.)?
5. Where are you most tempted to shift blame instead of taking ownership?
6. Why is ownership of your own issues so difficult but also so powerful in relationships?
7. What would it look like for you to fully “stand in your circle” in a current relationship tension? Give a specific case and ideas.
8. How does knowing there is “no condemnation in Christ” change the way you approach your failures?
9. Each of us answer (out loud if possible):
• What am I afraid of?
• Where am I hiding?
• Who or what am I blaming?
• What do I need to take responsibility for?