Last week we talked about choosing the best option, the godly option.
In your life you are presented with a ton of choices.

One of the most difficult parts about living is determining which choice you should make. The right choice, the right option, the godly option, is always the one that builds up.

Which choice build, trust and faithfulness and love? Which choice, bridges, gaps, mends relationships, restores? I know this is not always super clear cut, but this is where you tap in to your relationship with God, where you pray, listen to the Holy Spirit, where you lean in.

Sometimes the choice is gonna be obvious, and sometimes it is going to be obscured. Sometimes the choice will be easy, and in other times, excruciating. But you always have a choice, and the godly choice is always the one that builds up.

Over the last several weeks, I have painted transactional love and unconditional love in such a way where I know you've walked away thinking that transactional living is not loving. Something I really hope you've caught is that love by definition is unconditional. You can't love somebody truly transactionally. What you will end up, loving is what you can get out of them. And on the other side of that coin, you'll hate them for what you can’t.

Yet we live in a transactional world where what you do matters. What you do does mean something, and in a world where what you do means something, it's impossible to divorce transactional from that.

So then there seems to be this breakdown between loving someone for who they are and understanding how to interact with that person based on what they do. This is what often sometimes makes that godly choice really difficult. You may love the person, really love them, but you are caught in a quandary because of the things they do. You want to do the right thing to treat them to the right way, but you are bogged down in the space between what they do and the love you have for them.

I need you to understand something: You can't be restored to everybody.
No matter how much you love a person, not everyone is going to be willing to do what it takes to be restored. But, ah, here we are back at doing.

Let me be hyper clear:
You need to love people unconditionally, meaning you love them because of who they are, not for what you can get from them, not for what they can do for you. But you also need to understand that doing plays a huge role in the relationship. You can love someone unconditionally but not love what they do transactionally.

I'm going to explain why, but beyond just explaining why, I believe God wants you to understand the relationship between how you love someone and how you process their actions.

This is where a lot of people live. They love the person but they hate what the person does. This makes loving unconditionally very difficult.

So how can we love people unconditionally when what they do makes us want to love them transactionally?

1. Doing is an indicator of loving, so to show love, you do what love does.
What do I mean by this? John 14:15
If you love me, obey my commandments.

Jesus is not saying that you obey my commandments to be loved, but you obey because you are loved. I don’t stay faithful to my wife because I want her to love me. I love her and that’s why I stay faithful.

In the same way, what you do is an indicator of what you love.

I got my first eagle this week. You seriously didn’t think I was going to call myself Second Swing King last week and not tell you about my shot that amounts to a hole in one this week? I love playing golf. You should know that by the fact I play it a lot.

If I followed you around for a week, what would I find you loved based on your actions?

There is this space between faith and works that illustrates this pretty effectively. James wrote about this in James 2 as the people were treating the rich and poor differently. “Why are you favoring one over the other?”
He’s talking to people who claim to love Jesus yet they are doing things that tell a different tale.

James 2:14-17
14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? 15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, 16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? 17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

Faith and works is very similar to love and doing. What James is telling us is that our faith is moot without works. He is not saying that you have to have works to be saved, but he is saying that works are evidence of your faith and salvation. Basically, what you are doing is an indicator of what you believe in. Remember: thinking > beliefs > actions.

So put into the language we were using in this message today: What you're doing is going to indicate what you love just like what you're doing is going to indicate whether or not you have faith.

If you are not doing what faith does then we can have no expectation that you have faith. In the same way if you aren’t doing what love does we can have no expectation that you love.

If you say you love your wife, then your actions indicate that.
If you say you love your family, then your actions indicate that.
If you say you love Jesus, then your actions indicate that.
And the same goes the opposite way.

So many people out there are struggling with many things, like marriage.
You're married, you live in the same house, but the only thing you have in common is just that, your address. You aren't working with each other, you aren't helping each other, you aren't spending time with each other, but then you expect the benefits that come with the marriage. Faith without works is dead. It means if you have faith, then your works are going to back that up. Love without action is dead, too. If you love, then your actions will indicate that.

When it comes to people around you, when it comes to Jesus, are your actions indicating your love them or not?

You see, the goal is to build up, to strengthen the bond, because that’s the right option. We can’t get mad at people who aren’t choosing the right option when we aren’t either. So it is paramount that if we say we love, we back that declaration up with action.

Do what love does and you will feel what love feels.

2. When you love them, you have grace for them.
This is where empathy and compassion live - that space between the love you have for them and the grace for which that love makes room. A great way to know you love someone is by how much grace you’re willing to give them.

Grace is easy to give when the love is unconditional and the actions reflect that. But what do we do when their transactions are too much? You love them, but you are sick and tired of their actions. I get it, but where do you draw the line? At what point is the transaction enough to break the love?

1. Forgive
Don’t pretend you have a choice.
Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 14 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Forgiveness is not saying what they did was ok, it is simply saying that you’re ok. It is saying that you are no longer going to allow their bad choice to destroy your life going forward. Forgiveness frees you, not them.

2. Give grace
Don’t pretend you have a choice.
Romans 12:17–18
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Forgiveness requires grace.
Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

How much grace do you think it takes to forgive that much? Jesus used 70x7 because he wanted the people to see counting that many offenses misses the point of grace. Forgiveness is a state of being that requires grace to live in it.

3. Fix the problem
“As it depends on you…” How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Matthew 18:15-17
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
Rule of thumb: You don’t get to gripe about the problem if you haven’t done anything to fix the problem!
Jesus requires we do what we can to bring restoration, which includes forgiving, showing grace, and if possible, a conversation with the person.
I often tell people who are in a situation where the other person is unwilling to meet with them to simply write what you’d say in a letter and send it to them.
They’ll get it, but it is up to them to read it or not.
Many times, it is that simple gesture that initiates restoration.

4. Start this whole list off with asking the Holy Spirit to help.
2 Corinthians 9:8
God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

This verse is interesting to me because the key elements that are necessary to live unconditionally are found in it. You need grace for people who deserve judgement. (FYI grace is unmerited favor). You need to be successful in what you do. You need sufficiency that comes from God. This is the love of the Father, the power of the Holy Spirit, and the Word that is the Son. How amazing is it that the only way we are going to have unconditional love and grace for people is when we are willing to allow God in three persons to work in and through us to see restoration happen.

I know you are good at letting your flesh lead you to separation. How good are you at letting the Holy Spirit lead you to restoration?

3. Learn when to love from a distance.
Not every relationship is salvageable. That doesn’t mean God is powerless. It means that God is simply at the mercy of what a person is willing to let God do.

Mark 10:17-27
17 As He was setting out on a journey, a man ran up to Him and knelt before Him, and asked Him, “Good Teacher, what shall I do so that I may inherit eternal life?” 18 But Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone. 19 You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not give false testimony, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.’” 20 And he said to Him, “Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth.” 21 Looking at him, Jesus showed love to him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” 22 But he was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.

John 13:30
So Judas left at once, going out into the night.

Even Jesus had relationships that couldn’t be mended. But it wasn’t because Jesus failed to try. Sometimes people simply won’t choose the option that builds.

Matthew 10:14
If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town.

People have a hard time with this one because we are so addicted to the notion of leaving the 99 for the 1. We see Jesus so much as a bridge builder that we cannot fathom him putting up a wall. But look biblically at boundary-making (separation).

Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Ephesians 5:11
Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness

Ezra 10:11
Separate yourselves from the local residents and from these foreign wives

2 Corinthians 6:14-17
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

Anyone who has tried to make you believe God is against boundaries is not giving you the full counsel of God. He always wants restoration first, but he also commands us to:
Guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23)
Take responsibility of our actions (Galatians 6:5)
Communicate clearly to avoid deception (Matthew 5:37)

Why does he want this?
Nehemiah set to rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem, and in chapter 3, he lists out the people who helped build the different gates of the city: the Fish Gate, the Old City Gate, the Valley Gate, the Fountain Gate, etc.
As they began building, they were aggressively opposed and ridiculed by Sanballat, Tobiah, Geshem. Sometimes, you can see the people who are against you very easily. It is easy to create boundaries with people who are openly plotting your demise.

Nehemiah 6:9-12
9 They were just trying to intimidate us, imagining that they could discourage us and stop the work. So I continued the work with even greater determination. 10 Later I went to visit Shemaiah son of Delaiah and grandson of Mehetabel, who was confined to his home. He said, “Let us meet together inside the Temple of God and bolt the doors shut. Your enemies are coming to kill you tonight.” 11 But I replied, “Should someone in my position run from danger? Should someone in my position enter the Temple to save his life? No, I won’t do it!” 12 I realized that God had not spoken to him, but that he had uttered this prophecy against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him.

Sometimes people who say they are for you are actively working against you. Does that mean you have a right to get revenge? NO! But a boundary is not only helpful, sometimes it is the godly option.

But since I reference Nehemiah, let me give you one piece of advice:
Be sure to build gates in the walls you put up as a boundary. You never know when reconciliation might need a gate to walk through.

Sometimes distance is needed between you and a person you love. And this is not a message that's advocating you separate when things get tough. You better work harder to keep your marriage together than you do to get out of it. But sometimes, no matter how much forgiveness and grace and additional chances you give people, there's just no way to reconcile. ALWAYS get counsel before you separate. (What you are unwilling to deal with only grows.)

There's nothing wrong with loving a person from a distance who has historically harmed you, but remember, restoration is always what God is after.

Sometimes it means they have to change, sometimes it means you have to change, but most often, you both do.

So how does the Holy Spirit want you to respond to this message today?
Are you doing the things that love requires? Are your actions evidence that you love them? That you love God? Are you loving people enough to give them grace? Are you being loved enough to receive it? Are you realizing that there are some people in your life that you're gonna have to love from a distance? Or have you just made an emotional decision to separate without even trying to reconcile?

God longs for restoration, he longs for reconciliation. If you want proof, it's a simple as John 3:16
God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life.

If you're listening to this right now, and you know that you are separated from God and you know you need to get in a relationship with him, pray this prayer:
“Jesus, I confess you as the Lord. I repent of my sin. Save me. And Jesus name amen.” If you meant that, God means it, and you’re saved now.

Who is that person you say you love, but your actions aren't indicating it?
Who is that person you've had more anger at than you've had grace for?
Maybe a spouse, a family member, a friend, maybe yourself, maybe God.

Who is that person with whom you need to establish boundary?
Maybe this: who is that person you already built the wall against and you've left no gate, no chance for reconciliation?

I don't know what it is you need to do today, but whether that's loving with your actions more effectively, giving grace, setting boundaries, or installing gates, the Holy Spirit wants you to choose the option that builds.

Let’s pray. If you made Jesus Lord of your life today raise your hand.