The Building Church

What does it mean to be red hot?
When something is described as "red hot," it refers to the way it glows red when heated to a high temperature.
This happens because of the following steps:
1. Heating Up: When you heat an object, like a piece of metal, its atoms get very energetic and start moving around more.
2. Glowing from the Heat: As the atoms move, they start to give oL light. This is because the energy from the heat makes the electrons in the atoms jump to higher energy levels, and when they come back down to their normal levels, they release light.
3. Color of the Glow: The color of the light depends on how hot the object is. At lower temperatures, the object would just emit infrared light, which we can't see. But as it gets hotter and reaches about 800 to 1000 degrees Celsius, it starts to glow red. This is because at these temperatures, the light it emits has stretched into the red part of the visible spectrum.
4. Getting Even Hotter: If you heat the object even more, it can start glowing orange, yellow, and eventually blue, but "red hot" means it's at the stage where the glow is predominantly red.
Basically, when you hear something is "red hot," it means it's heated to the point where it starts to emit visible red light, indicating it's very hot!
The item contains a lot of energy!

The lovers in the Song of Songs have a red hot relationship because they are fueling it in a
couple of important ways.

First, they are fueling their relationship with physical and sexual energy.

(Chapter 4)

Let's go through Song of Songs chapter 4, translating and explaining the metaphors to make them more understandable in contemporary English.

• "Your eyes behind your veil are doves." — Your eyes are gentle and peaceful.
• "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead." — Your hair
flows beautifully like a smooth, dark wave.
• "Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep that have come up from the washing."
— Your teeth are clean and even.
• "Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely." — Your lips are
beautifully red and appealing.
• "Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate." — Your
cheeks are rosy and vibrant.
• "Your neck is like the tower of David, built with courses of stone." — Your neck is
strong and graceful.
• "Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle." — Your breasts are soft and
lovely.
• "Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of frankincense." — I will stay close and cherish you deeply all night
long.
• "You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with
one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." — You have
completely captivated me with just one look, and every detail about you is
enchanting.
• "How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! Your love is more delightful
than wine." — Your aLection is more intoxicating and joyous than the finest wine.
• "The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon." — You smell
as fresh and invigorating as the cedar forests of Lebanon.
• "A garden locked is my sister, my bride; a spring locked, a fountain sealed." —
You are precious and reserved only for me, like a private, protected garden.
• "Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, henna and
nard." — You are vibrant and full of life, with many wonderful qualities.
• "You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from
Lebanon." — You are a source of refreshing, life-giving beauty and vitality.

She responds by saying at the end of verse 16:
"Let my beloved come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits." This needs no interpretation!
In Song of Songs 5:1, the male lover responds to her invitation...”oh heck yeah!!!”

In Song of Songs 5:1, the male lover responds to her invitation...”oh heck yeah!!!”
The verse reads: "I came to my garden, my sister, my bride, I gathered my myrrh with my spice, I ate my honeycomb with my honey, I drank my wine with my milk. Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!"


Here’s what the response means, broken down metaphorically:
• "I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;" - The male lover refers to entering into a close and intimate relationship with his beloved. The garden metaphor symbolizes a private, beautiful, and cherished place, indicating the personal and exclusive nature of their relationship.
• "I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk." - These expressions use items that are rich, sweet, and luxurious (myrrh, spices, honey, wine, milk) to symbolize the deep pleasure and satisfaction found in their love. These elements suggest a celebration of their union, emphasizing the sweetness and richness of their relationship.
• "Eat, friends; drink, and be drunk with love." - This invitation to their "friends" or perhaps the wedding guests suggests a communal sharing of their joy. The lover calls on others to join in the celebration and to also revel in the joy and intoxication of love, much like one would enjoy a festive feast.

Again, in Chapter 5 we read her admiration and passion for him physically:

Verse 10: "My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand."
• Interpretation: My love stands out remarkably; he is vibrant and has a healthy complexion, truly exceptional and easily distinguished from others.

Verse 11: "His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven."
• Interpretation: His mind (or his thoughts) are incredibly valuable and his hair is thick, flowing, and dark, symbolizing his strength and vitality.

Verse 12: "His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool."
• Interpretation: His eyes are gentle and peaceful, reflecting purity and depth, much like doves by a serene body of water.

Verse 13: "His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh."
• Interpretation: His face is rich with character and attractiveness, like aromatic herbs, and his words (symbolized by lips) are soothing and enriching.

Verse 14: "His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory bedecked with sapphires."
• Interpretation: His arms signify strength and opulence, and his body is like valuable ivory, precious and strong, adorned with the beauty of sapphires.

Verse 15: "His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars."
• Interpretation: His legs are sturdy and majestic, providing a solid foundation like columns; his overall presence is impressive and dignified, like the renowned cedar trees of Lebanon known for their grandeur.

Verse 16: "His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem."
• Interpretation: His speech is delightful, and every aspect of him is appealing. He is not only my lover but also my dear friend, cherished and respected.

These verses portray the woman's deep affection and admiration for her beloved, using imagery from nature and precious materials to emphasize his admirable qualities and her profound emotional connection with him.

Pretty explicit material!!!
But it is important that we see the impact of these types of interactions as married couples.
Research in some key areas points to the reality that physical and sexual energy and connection in marriage improves the quality of sex we have and helps to keep our relationships healthy and thriving.

Sexual Satisfaction and Marital Status: Research has indicated that married couples tend to report higher levels of sexual satisfaction compared to their non-married counterparts. A study published in the "Journal of Sexual Medicine"suggests that the emotional and relational stability found in marriages can contribute to more fulfilling and regular sexual encounters. However, this isn't a universal rule, and satisfaction can vary widely depending on individual relationship dynamics.

• Frequency of Sexual Activity: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how often couples should engage in sexual activity for healthy sexuality. The frequency that is best varies significantly from one couple to another based on their desires, lifestyle, age, and health conditions. Some studies suggest that once a week is a common average among many couples, but this is by no means a standard to strive for if it doesn’t fit the couple’s mutual preferences and lifestyle.

Sexual Exploration: There is research on the role of sexual exploration in marriage and its impact on sexual satisfaction. Several studies have highlighted that sexual exploration can be a significant factor in maintaining and enhancing marital satisfaction and intimacy. Here are some key points from the literature:
- Diversity and Novelty: Research suggests that incorporating diversity and
novelty into the sexual relationship can improve sexual satisfaction. This can include trying new sexual positions, sharing fantasies, or incorporating new forms of intimacy. Such activities can prevent the routine of sexual
interactions from becoming mundane and can rejuvenate attraction and
excitement.
- Communication: The ability to communicate openly about sexual desires
and interests is crucial in facilitating sexual exploration. Studies show that
couples who communicate eLectively about their sexual needs tend to have higher levels of satisfaction. This communication helps partners to better understand and meet each other's desires, which is vital for successful exploration.
- Emotional Safety: A supportive and emotionally safe relationship is a
foundation for sexual exploration. When both partners feel secure, they are
more likely to express and explore their sexual desires without fear of
judgment or rejection. Emotional safety also enhances trust, which is
essential for trying new and potentially vulnerable experiences.
- Impact on Relationship Quality: Exploration in sexual activities is
associated with higher sexual and overall relationship satisfaction. A study
published in the "Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy" found that sexual novelty was linked with high sexual satisfaction, and this, in turn, was related to greater relationship satisfaction.
- Long-term Relationships: In long-term relationships, including marriages,
sexual exploration can be especially beneficial in maintaining sexual desire
and interest. Over time, sexual desire can diminish in long-term partnerships; introducing new elements into the sexual relationship can counteract this trend.

- Incorporating sexual exploration in a marriage can be a powerful way to
maintain and enhance both sexual and overall relationship satisfaction. It is
important for such exploration to be consensual, with ongoing communication and mutual comfort levels being considered. For many
couples, exploring new dimensions of their sexuality together can deepen
intimacy and strengthen their bond.

We see a second way that the lovers energize their relationship: through the pattern of seeking and finding!

Let’s read Chp 3:1-4 (ESV):
1. "On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him but found him not.
2. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him but found him not.
3. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city. 'Have you seen him whom my soul loves?'
4. Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me."

And again, after they have been together at the beginning of verse 5, she is seeking him again:
2. "I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking. ‘Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.’"
3. "I had put oU my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?"
4. "My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me."
5. "I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt."
6. "I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer."

We see a beautiful portrayal of lovers who are continually seeking each other out.
Sometimes they are separated, and sometimes they are joyously reunited. This dynamic dance of seeking and finding each other is what fuels their relationship with excitement and anticipation.

It serves as a reminder that relationships thrive on active engagement and mutual pursuit.

What makes this seeking and finding so powerful?

It's the energy—the intentionality—behind the actions. Each act of seeking out one’s partner is an affirmation of love and desire. It's a declaration that says, "You are important to me, and I choose you, again and again." This pursuit fills the relationship with vitality and keeps the emotional fires burning bright.

So how can we foster a pattern of seeking and finding our spouses practically in ways that keep our relationships red hot?
Research in this area gives us some practical guidance and skills...
The Scriptures use several words to describe different types of loving relationships. Pastor Ellen taught on a few of these in the first message of the series.
I want to build on this and give you a practical definition that undergirds each one of these words for love. I want to focus on love as connection.

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson from the University of North Carolina defines love as having three
parts:
• Connecting in ways that fosters shared positive emotion, which creates a...
• Synchrony of behavior and biochemistry, which then promotes...
• Beliefs of mutual care
- What we believe about each other impacts how we behave towards each
other.
- Side thought: None of us are perfect. But if you consistently treat your
spouse in unhealthy ways, you need to check two things;
- What you believe about your spouse, and
- How you feel about yourself...
- Ephesians 5: 28, “...husbands should love their wives as their own
bodies...he who loves his wife loves himself.”

The process of seeking and finding is not just about the big gestures or the romantic reunions. It's also in the small, daily acts of turning towards each other instead of away.

It's in the morning kiss, the text during a busy day, the gentle touch as you pass by each other at home. These are the moments that signal to our partners that they are seen, valued, and loved: the small moments of connection.

To foster connection, we might:
• Continuously engage in new activities together to bring a sense of novelty and excitement.
• Maintain open communication about each person's needs and changes in their desires or interests.
• Make conscious efforts to appreciate and affirm each other, acknowledging the importance of the relationship regularly.
• Respect each other’s need for personal space and support each other’s individual interests and pursuits.

Researchers John and Julie Gottman have outlined a way for couples to connect in these ways. They call these “emotional calls or bids.”
An emotional call is an attempt to connect with your partner or your partner’s attempt to connect with you. They can be attempts to get attention, affirmation, affection, empathy, or any other emotional need from the other person.
Healthy couples respond positively to 86% of the spouse’s emotional calls. Divorced couples: 33%. Responses are important because our behavior helps to shape the belief our spouse has about us. Responses answer the questions, “Is my spouse for me? Will my spouse be there for me?” The key: do not overlook the micro-moment opportunities to connect.

Do you want the percentage to be higher? List several ways that you can take responsibility for responding to your spouse’s emotional calls. Husbands, how can you love your wife?
Wives, how can you love your husbands? Write your ideas below. At some point today, take time and share your responses with your spouse.

Please note, you must intentionally foster connection OR you are unintentionally driving disconnection!
That’s one of the interpretations of the lover’s comment about the "little foxes,” found in Song of Songs 2:15.
It reads: "Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom."

In this verse, the "little foxes" are described as small but potentially harmful creatures that can damage blossoming vineyards, which are symbolic of a flourishing relationship. The imagery of "vineyards" in bloom suggests the blossoming of love and intimacy between the lovers. The "little foxes" metaphorically represent small, seemingly insignificant problems or issues that can arise and cause damage to a relationship if they are not addressed.
This plea to "catch" these foxes highlights the need for vigilance and proactive measures to protect the health and beauty of the relationship from these disruptive influences.

In the context of marriage, "little foxes" can symbolize various minor issues that, if ignored, may grow into larger problems, potentially driving a couple apart. Some examples include:
1. Lack of Communication: Small misunderstandings or the failure to share feelings and thoughts openly can lead to resentment and emotional distance.
2. Neglecting Small Acts of Kindness: Overlooking the importance of small gestures, like expressing appreciation or showing aLection, can erode the foundation of mutual respect and love.
3. Not Following Through on Commitments: Consistently failing to keep promises, even small ones, can undermine trust and reliability in the relationship.
4. Ignoring Your Partner’s Needs: Minor neglect can accumulate, leading to feelings of being undervalued or ignored.
5. Financial Disagreements: Small disagreements about spending or saving habits can escalate into significant conflicts.
6. Lack of Time Together: Busy schedules can lead to not spending enough quality time together, which is crucial for maintaining a strong emotional connection.
7. Sexless Marriages: The definition of a "sexless" marriage is often considered to be having sex fewer than ten times a year. Various studies report different figures, but one commonly cited statistic from a Newsweek study estimated that about 15% to 20% of American marriages fall into this category. The reasons for a decrease in sexual activity are diverse and can include health issues, emotional disconnect, stress, and hormonal changes among others. There is not condemnation here but figuring out why you have a sexless marriage is important. Address those issues before you demand sex from your spouse.
8. Familiarity: Familiarity in a marriage can act as a "little fox" in several ways, and while it often brings comfort and security, it can also contribute to challenges if not managed carefully. This happens briefly in 5:2-3. Her beloved is pursuing her, but comfortableness and familiarity inhibit her response to him, “I had put on my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?”

Here's how familiarity might impact a marriage:
1. Complacency: When couples become too familiar with each other, they
might start taking each other for granted. This complacency can lead to
neglecting the effort needed to sustain a dynamic and engaging relationship, such as forgetting to celebrate important occasions, not expressing appreciation, or failing to keep the relationship exciting.
2. Loss of Mystery and Excitement: Early stages of a relationship often include a sense of discovery and anticipation. Over time, as partners become very familiar with each other, the initial thrill of learning about one another can diminish. If not replenished with new shared experiences or personal growth, the relationship may feel predictable and stagnant.
3. Reduced Effort in Appearance and Manners: Familiarity can lead to
comfort, which is generally positive, but it can also mean that individuals
stop putting effort into their appearance or behavior around each other. This lack of effort might be perceived as a lack of respect or interest, impacting the romantic and physical connection between the partners.
4. Diminished Personal Space: Being comfortable with each other is crucial, but too much closeness can sometimes infringe on personal space.
Everyone needs some degree of privacy and independence, and without it,
individuals might feel suLocated or lose aspects of their identity.
5. Overlooking Growing Apart: Familiarity can sometimes mask the subtle ways in which individuals change over time. Partners might not notice or address these changes because they assume they already know everything there is to know about each other. This can lead to emotional distance if the partners grow apart without realizing it.

Addressing these "little foxes" early and eLectively can prevent them from spoiling the "vineyard" of marriage. Like in the Song of Songs, it’s about nurturing and protecting the relationship, ensuring that minor issues are resolved so that love can continue to flourish.

There’s a final truth here rooted in the “seek and find” principle.
God Himself sought us to find us so that we will find Him when we seek Him.
No matter what you have done, no matter where you are in life, God’s invitation remains:
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13