Maryville Police Department

The Confrontation Principle
(Notes Taken from John Maxwell’s Book “Winning with People”)

Introduction
Caring for people should precede confronting people – conflict is like cancer; early detection increases the possibility of a healthy outcome. The question I must ask myself: do I care enough to confront the right way?

1. The Truth about Conflict
a. Conflict is unavoidable.
i. Perhaps we ought to add conflict to death and taxes as one of those things we can count on in this life.
ii. The only way to avoid conflict is to isolate ourselves from all other people on the planet.
iii. The story of the three huts –
b. Confrontation is difficult.
i. Why is it difficult to confront?
1. We fear being disliked, misunderstood, or rejected.
2. We fear the unknown.
3. We worry that it will just make things worse.
ii. Few people have been taught healthy confrontation skills.
2. How We Handle Conflict Determines Our Success in Tough Situations
a. Conflict always compounds when confrontation is not done quickly and correctly.
b. Here’s a sampling of harmful strategies that too many people use when they deal with conflict:
i. Win at all costs. – It’s like a shootout at the OK Corral. It’s quick, brutal, and destructive.
ii. Pretend it doesn’t exist. - If you hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil, evil does not cease to exist.
iii. Whine about it. - Winners aren’t whiners and whiners aren’t winners. Playing the victim doesn’t cure conflict. It just irritates everybody.
iv. Keep score. - People who keep a record of wrongs can’t ever start over fresh. And nobody can ever get “even.”
v. Pull rank. - Using position never really resolves conflict. It merely postpones it.
vi. White flag it.- Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
3. A Roadmap for Healthy Confrontation
a. Confront a person only if you care for that person.
i. In rare instances, people must confront someone they don’t care about, such as in legal trials or when abuse has occurred.
ii. In nearly all relational situations, it is most productive to go into a confrontation keeping the other person’s interests in mind.
iii. In the past when you have attempted to resolve conflict with another person, what has been your goal?
1. Sympathy?
2. Quick relief?
3. Victory at all costs?
4. Next time, try to go into it with the goal of making it a win for both parties.
b. Meet Together ASAP
i. The truth is, that anytime you let conflict go – for whatever reason – it only gets worse.
1. It puts people into a position to start speculating about another person’s motives.
2. Putting off confrontation only causes the situation to fester.
ii. If it’s absolutely impossible to meet directly with the person, then consider a conversation by phone.
iii. Under no circumstances should you ever confront someone via email or text.
c. First seek understanding, not necessarily agreement.
i. A significant hindrance to positive conflict resolution is having too many preconceived notions going into a confrontation.
ii. There is a saying that the person who gives an opinion before he understands is human, but the person who gives a judgment before he understands is a fool.
iii. Charles F Kettering said, “There is a great difference between knowing and understanding; you can know a lot about something and not really understand it.”
d. Outline the issue.
i. Describe your perceptions – in the beginning, stay away from conclusions and/or statements about the other person’s motives. Just tell what you think you see, and describe the problem you think it’s causing.
ii. Tell how this makes you feel. – If the other person’s actions make you angry or frustrated or sad, express it clearly and without accusation.
iii. Explain why this is important to you. – Many times when a person finds out something is a priority to you, that is enough to make him want to change.
e. Encourage a response.
i. Never confront others without letting them respond.
ii. When confronting people, – most of the time:
1. 50% of the time people don’t realize there’s a problem.
2. 30% of them realize there was a problem, but don’t know how to solve it.
3. 20% realize there was a problem, but didn’t want to solve it.
iii. The bad news is that one of five people doesn’t want to seek a positive resolution.
iv. The good news is that 80% of the time, there is great potential to solve the conflict.
f. Agree to an Action plan
i. A good action plan should include these points:
1. Clear identification of the issue
2. Agreement to solve the issue
3. Concrete steps that demonstrate the issue has been solved
4. An accountability structure, such as a timeline and a responsible person
5. A deadline for completion
6. A commitment by both parties to put the issue in the past once resolved
ii. Successful confrontation usually changes both people, not just one.
1. Positive change is the first measure of success when resolving conflict through confrontation.
2. The second is the ongoing growth of the relationship.
3. Anytime you truly do resolve conflict in a relationship, it doesn’t hurt a relationship; it actually strengthens the bond between the people.