Redeeming Anger: Turning Pain Into PurposeSample

Responding vs Reacting

When faced with a challenging situation, instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to pause and identify your feelings. Understanding what you're genuinely experiencing—fear, frustration, or something else—helps you respond thoughtfully rather than lash out. Recognizing your emotions gives you the space to choose how to respond in a way that aligns with your values and strengthens your relationships.

I often hear people say, “They made me so mad,” and while it may be true that you’re angry, it’s inaccurate to say that someone else made you feel that way. We always have a choice, and when we take ownership of our emotions instead of having a Victim mindset and blaming others, we function as Warriors.

Resolving internal conflict involves identifying and expressing our primary feelings using “I” statements. Stating, “I’m hurt because…” or “I’m scared that…” or “I feel rejected when…” shifts the focus to how we feel, allowing the other person to respond to your emotions instead of engaging in intellectual banter. This level of communication creates space for an open conversation.

On the other hand, if we point fingers and say, “You never listen to me,” “You always tell me I’m wrong,” or “Why don’t you…?” the person we’re engaging with is likely to feel defensive and retaliate. This leads to a cycle where both people speak over each other, prepare their responses before the other is finished speaking, and fail to listen to one another honestly. As voices rise, the argument escalates, with no resolution or understanding of what the disagreement was about in the first place.

Resolution can only be achieved when we express our feelings and engage with someone willing to actively listen to what is being said. Listening to understand—rather than just listening to respond—is crucial. It might be helpful to clarify what we’ve heard by saying, “What I hear you saying is...” While this can feel awkward, it’s a valuable tool for truly understanding the other person’s perspective. They can rephrase and clarify if what we’ve heard doesn’t match their intent. We can better understand a person’s heart when we listen patiently and attentively.

On the other hand, if you tend to shut down emotionally and withdraw during an argument rather than engaging, you are defaulting to avoidance as your defense mechanism. Conflict resolution isn’t possible if both parties aren’t willing to engage and share their feelings.

A key dynamic to understand in any interaction between two people is to recognize that there are always two elements at play: the details of the conversation and the underlying process each person has been going through before the interaction even begins.

The “details” refer to the actual topic or content of the conversation. However, this is just one part of the equation. The more important aspect is the “process” happening beneath the surface—what each person has experienced before the exchange.

Whether it’s been an hour or an entire day, when you reconnect with someone you haven’t seen for a time, they have no idea what dynamics are influencing you. Depending on the neutrality or intensity of your experiences or interactions, you may be carrying thoughts or feelings from prior engagements. Think about how many thoughts or experiences you've had that your spouse or friends may not be aware of.

Giving someone the time and space to decompress before engaging is wise and respectful if you know they’ve been through stressful circumstances since your last conversation. Even if their day seems routine, it’s essential to recognize that they may be in a different mental and emotional state than when you last interacted with them.

When communicating with others, we must take responsibility for expressing any negative feelings we might be carrying from earlier events—whether from today, yesterday, or even a few days ago. If we’re feeling on edge or easily irritated, we must reflect on what may have affected us, even subconsciously. Recent interactions or lingering thoughts that have unsettled us but haven’t been fully processed can impact how we engage with others. Being self-aware and sharing any intrusive thoughts or unresolved emotions we’re holding is crucial for being present and connecting authentically in our relationships.

If we notice someone seems distracted or not fully engaged with us, a thoughtful question to ask is, “How is your heart?” This simple inquiry shows that we’re aware they might have something else weighing on their mind, and it communicates that we care about their well-being.

Unlock Your Life:

How comfortable are you identifying and expressing your feelings? Perhaps you grew up in an environment that wasn't very communicative and didn't have much practice with authentic communication. Please know that regardless of your past experiences, you can always learn and adopt new skills and tools.

Be mindful and practice using "I" statements instead of "you" when communicating. Doing so will allow you to own how you feel and prevent the other people you communicate with from feeling defensive. It will promote the most significant opportunity for healthy dialogue between you and those you love.

Practice expressing your feelings to the safest people in your world, even if that is a trusted friend or co-worker. If necessary, print a feeling chart/wheel listing numerous feeling words other than the go-to concepts of sad, mad, and glad. Post it on your refrigerator or other areas of your house for easy access and quick reference when you need to identify what you are feeling.

Partnering With God:

Father God, Thank You for giving us David's example of expressing his anxious thoughts and feelings numerous times throughout Your Word. You have said that he was a man after your heart, and as such, I know You created humanity to feel deeply. I know You welcome my ability to connect with You and others in an emotionally intimate way.

Please help me understand what blocks my ability to be vulnerable and share my heart with those I love. Help me identify areas of my life that still need Your healing so I have confidence to risk being authentic. I know that the quality of my life and relationships will deepen when I share more effortlessly.

Thank You for giving me a heart that has the capacity to love and be loved, experience grief, unfathomable joy, and connect on a deep level. Forgive me for being untrusting and guarded when you created me to be wholehearted and fully alive. I invite the Holy Spirit to shine Light on areas of my mind and heart that need to be transformed and restored to be who You created me to be. In Jesus' Name, Amen!