Redeeming Anger: Turning Pain Into PurposeSample

Understanding the Anger Cycle

Understanding the components of the anger cycle is crucial for learning how to empty our cups so that challenging circumstances don't lead to an emotional explosion or implosion.

The cycle begins with an event, which is immediately followed by our interpretation of it—shaped by our unique experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. This interpretation then leads to a primary emotion. Anger can arise if we fail to recognize our faulty thought process or the underlying emotion.

Once anger surfaces, we either express it outwardly in an explosion or inwardly in an implosion, depending on our personality and the intensity of the situation. Afterward, we cool down and return to a calm state—until another triggering event occurs.

Let’s explore an example of how this cycle plays out:

You head downstairs to turn on your coffee pot every morning before going back upstairs to shower. One day, when you return to the kitchen and reach for your coffee, you realize the carafe wasn’t correctly aligned and coffee has spilled all over your counter, dripping down the cupboards.

Your immediate reaction might be anger, leading to an outburst or harsh self-criticism, but you’ve skipped two critical dynamics occurring under the surface. Before experiencing anger, there was an interpretation of the situation, which initiated a primary feeling.

How you interpret the situation depends on the messages you received about making mistakes in childhood or how many "bullies" you’ve encountered as an adult. If you were taught that mistakes weren’t allowed, you might feel worthless, like an idiot, and respond accordingly. On the other hand, if you were encouraged to make mistakes and accept imperfection, you might laugh at yourself, clean up the mess, and even share the story with colleagues later. The difference between feeling angry or taking it in stride all hinges on how we interpret the triggering event.

Fortunately, we can break the cycle before reacting with anger if we identify and express our primary emotions—such as fear of rejection, inadequacy, or insecurity—or take the time to understand how our interpretation of the situation set the feeling in motion. We can reframe and shift our perspective on the triggering event, which will change our feelings.

If the event involves someone else and we react toward them, we must reflect on and become aware of the underlying factors that led to our outburst. We need to take time out, walk away, and ask the Holy Spirit for self-awareness to identify how we’re interpreting the situation and help identify the primary feeling our anger is masking. It can be helpful to go for a walk and talk out loud or sit with a journal and write about our thoughts and feelings. After taking time to process, we can re-engage, respectfully explain what triggered us, how our misinterpretation led to an overreaction, and, if necessary, offer an apology.

Unlock Your Life:

Can you identify with getting caught in a cycle of anger? If so, it is essential to understand that there are primary feelings "under" the anger. It is much easier for us to be angry than to express the vulnerable feelings of fear, sadness, hurt, and rejection that we may be experiencing. Oddly, we may feel like we are more in control when we are expressing anger.

Examining how you may interpret the situation based on your past experiences, thoughts, and beliefs is vital. That interpretation, based on your truth, not necessarily the Truth, sets in motion an emotional reaction. If you are willing to reflect on your thought process, reframe your interpretation, own your reaction, and identify and express the primary feeling, you can revisit the disagreement with a new perspective. Authentically sharing your primary feelings or your misinterpretation may bring awareness and ultimately shift the conflict into a place of understanding.

Reflect on the last time you remember reacting or becoming heated in a conversation. What were you "feeling," and when did you feel that feeling earlier in life? How were you interpreting that situation based on past experiences that may have influenced your reaction? It may not be too late to go back to the person you were in conflict with and explain how you were triggered and what you felt during that conflict.

For future reference, apply this awareness to your next outburst or disagreement. Try to identify and express the primary feeling and how you interpreted the interaction instead of reacting in an explosion or implosion.

Partnering With God:

Father God, I know that You know all my thoughts and feelings about anything I have ever experienced. Please help me to be mindful that there is always a primary feeling that lurks under my anger. Help me identify what I am feeling and the roots of why I am feeling that way. Give me courage to remove myself from heated interactions, to pray and ask for Your guidance, and to be willing to re-engage with an honest and vulnerable perspective. I want to be authentic in my relationship with You and others. Lead me to understand my reactions and how the experiences thrown into my Cup influence my current reactions/interactions. Thank You for Your Grace, which allows me to be forgiven and enables me to try again. Please give me a willingness to ask those I hurt with my anger to forgive me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!