Helping Your Kids Know God's Good DesignSample

When Should I Talk to My Children About Sex?

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV). It’s important that we ensure our children’s first understanding of the concept of sex is positive. After all, sexuality is a good gift from God, and we want our children to see it that way. However, if we hold off on such conversations until we are having them in response to an unbiblical vision of sexuality, we are thrust into backtracking. We must explain how these things do not align with God’s good design before our children even understand what that design is. When we are forced to backtrack, our children’s first exposure to the concept of sexuality is grounded in how humans have corrupted the gift of sex rather than the inherent goodness of God’s design. This will taint how they understand this good gift. Instead, we want to first ground our children in an understanding that sex within the covenant of marriage is inherently good.

When we begin these conversations with our four-year-olds, our words should mainly be focused on introducing key vocabulary, providing some necessary details, and grounding the concept of sex in the goodness of God’s design (Psalm 139:13-14). We want our little ones to understand the basics and know that sex is not dirty but a good gift from God. At the same time, we want them to see that sex isn’t something that should be shared with everyone because it is a special gift designed to be shared only between a husband and a wife.

In these early conversations, we are also helping our children understand the boundaries God has placed on sex. This plants seeds of understanding regarding when those boundaries are being crossed. As we teach children that these boundaries are designed to keep us safe, we are also teaching them how God’s good gift of sex can be misused when taken outside of those boundaries, including when it comes to pornography and sexual abuse. It’s good for us to know that giving children the language and wisdom to recognize when sex is being misused is an important way to keep their hearts, minds, and bodies safe. This is one more reason why having these conversations about sex early is so important! Right now, you might be reading this and thinking, My child is way older than four, and I haven’t started having these conversations. Is it already too late? My response to this is a resounding no! No matter how old your child is, these conversations are valuable. Talking about sex with your child is the only way to ensure they understand the goodness of God’s design, and such conversations help them feel safe and comfortable coming to you with their questions rather than turning to the internet or their peers. It is never too late to start these important conversations.

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We hope this plan was helpful to you. You can read more from Elizabeth Urbanowicz in her book, Helping Your Kids Know God’s Good Design, available here.