Rules of Resilience: How to Thrive in a World of Change and UncertaintySýnishorn

Resilience Rule #4: Don’t Pretend, Don’t Defend

When you notice a problem, your initial temptation might be to brush it under the rug. Problems and challenges are inconvenient. They mess up your plans. They cloud the picture of how you want things to look. It would be great if they’d just go away. So, it’s tempting to pretend that they are not there—or to insist that they aren’t as big a deal as they are. But that can sabotage success and resilience.

When dealing with a challenge, our natural reaction may be to downplay or even deny the reality of the situation. We might not even notice we’re doing it, but ignoring or trying to minimize reality gives us the illusion of control and temporarily eases feelings of fear and vulnerability. We tiptoe around issues or minimize them. We deny that we need to make a change. And too often, we allow fear to make our decisions and dictate our actions.

What about when you need resilience, not because of something beyond your control, but because of something you did? Pretending is what you do with yourself, denying reality in order to cope with your own emotions, fears, and self-concept. When our own mistakes and poor choices lead to a reality that conflicts with our idea of who we are, it can be tempting to defend that self-concept by not acknowledging or confronting those wrong or unwise actions. Defending insists that others also play along with our denial of reality.

The second part of Rule #4 is “don’t defend,” which goes a step beyond acknowledging a problem. It means having the humility and courage to face the truth about your own mistakes and shortcomings so you can repair the damage to relationships and create the healing that will empower you to move forward. It means not rationalizing poor choices and decisions, but admitting them, atoning for them, and learning from them.

We all make mistakes. We even do things we shouldn’t and need a second chance. When that happens, the humility to acknowledge our imperfections gives us resilience. “Don’t defend” is about accepting who you are and where you are, without your ego jumping in to make you look good at the expense of the truth or avoiding hard conversations and facing consequences.

Being honest is like turning on a light switch. You can make the resilient choice to face a challenge and decide what you want to do in light of it. This allows you to move from a passive stance to a proactive one. It empowers you to take responsibility for what is within your control. The truth will set you free, but only when you are honest enough to face it.