Speak Your Mind Only When Necessary

After asking ourselves if a communication we are about to make is both true and kind, we next need to consider if it is even necessary to share, at least at that specific moment (see Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7). How does the Golden Rule apply to unnecessary words (see Matthew 7:12)? Since we do not enjoy people who talk incessantly, inappropriately, with anger, in a confrontational or controlling manner, or interrupt thoughtlessly, why would we express ourselves these ways? Let’s consider the following principles for how to communicate what is necessary:

• If we want to learn how to speak our minds wisely, we need to focus on being prudent when necessary.
• If we struggle with being flustered, causing us to say what we shouldn’t, we must become more composed when necessary.
• To work on cutting out our improper communication styles, we must seek to be honorable when necessary.
• Those who are more verbose than they should be must learn the discipline to be restrained when necessary.
• Because our egos are the cause of many of our unnecessary communications, we must intentionally strive to be other-centered when necessary.

To learn when it is necessary to speak your mind, you must move from being imprudent about what you communicate toward being a prudent communicator. Imprudent communication is untimely, nonlistening, mothering, and unprayerful. Prudent communication appears when a person says what is germane at the right time, listens first to fully understand so they can say the wise and necessary thing, makes sure their concern is tactfully expressed, and allows God to speak His wisdom into their own heart before they speak to another’s heart.

To speak our minds necessarily, we must move from being a flustered communicator to a more composed communicator. Flustered communication is volcanic, pity-partying, exaggerating, and grumbling. Composed communicators speak necessary words without emotional eruptions; they have boundaries and talk of personal matters only with those who have a right and need to know; they keep to the facts; and they constructively engage normal life challenges without uncalled-for grumbling and griping.

The next step is to move from being someone who speaks what is improper to being an honorable communicator. Improper communication is coarse, gossiping, unfiltered, and spying. Honorable communication is wholesome, good neighborly, thoughtful, and boundary-respecting, and only after gaining information through ethical, moral, and legal means.

We must also move from verbose communication to restrained communication. Verbose communication is oversharing, rehashing, rambling, and piling on excessive data. Restrained communication is judicious, succinct, reserved, and focused. It is limited to what the other person needs to hear; a point is made once, and then we stop talking and ask for feedback. Silence is okay. Wise people try speaking less and thinking more.

The last principle of necessary communication is to shift from being ego-centric and work at being other-centered. Ego-centric communication includes prying, interrupting, distracting, and limelight-seeking. Other-centered communication is considerate, listening, transparent, and supportive. It means putting others ahead of ourselves in our communication.

Applying these principles takes practice. This begins with recognizing if what you are considering communicating is true, kind, necessary, and clear—and whether you are able to communicate it in an appropriate manner and at an appropriate time.

Respond

What principle of necessary communication is the most difficult for you? How can you become more thoughtful, prayerful, and timely in speaking your mind?

How does the Golden Rule inform what, when, and how you communicate something that is necessary?

Where do you see yourself making progress in communicating what is necessary effectively? Who can you trust to hold you accountable for growing in this area?

Prayer

Lord Jesus, I don’t always handle difficult, but necessary, conversations effectively. I ask for wisdom to perceive the right words, attitude, and timing to have these conversations. Help me to focus on what You want me to do and not push my own needs or agenda. Thank You for Your grace as I learn to put You and others first as I communicate truth. Amen.