Covenant Love: Nurturing Your Marriage God's Wayਨਮੂਨਾ

Attack The Problem

Key Verse:

“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” Colossians 3:8

Reading:

A very important recognition that can shift your perspective and the tone of the conflict resolution is: Attack the problem, not the person. Have you ever had someone point their finger at you? Doesn't that make you feel angry? Cause you to want to point your finger at them? Sometimes when I'm in a session working with two people, one will point their finger at the other, and I'll gently lean forward, tap their finger, and ask them to put their hand in their lap. Or, I'll ask them to reach out with their entire hand rather than a finger because then the body language doesn't come across as attacking the other person. Why is this so important? Well, being attacked is like having someone label you as stupid or a slob or as someone they don't want to be around. However, this is still a child of the Most High God.

Attacking another does nothing to solve the conflict but rather will intensify the conflict with whom God has called us to walk in unity. I was working with a couple who, for years, dreamed of buying a pontoon boat. They saved up money, and eventually they got that boat, but not long after, they came in for a session and told me they were going to sell it. There were some marine duties that they struggled with, and when the wife couldn't do something like properly tie the boat up, her husband would get angry and call her stupid. Well, the husband had grown up with a drill sergeant dad, and when he would do one wrong thing, his father would call him stupid. That label and that treatment left an imprint on the husband. Now, the husband got so mad because his wife grew up on a lake, but the wife wasn't around boats like theirs and didn't know how to do the duties they required. Once we processed all this in the session, they had different plans of words that would be used, how instructions could be given, and the practice that would be needed. They got to a point where they started to enjoy their pontoon boat.

Remember, a label does nothing to solve the conflict, but rather will intensify the conflict with whom God has called us to walk in unity. Now, and when the agitation occurs, please know that there could be the desire to attack the person and use inflammatory words. That would be a very amygdala-type response, which we talked about in the previous days. So, ask yourself the following questions. Do you want your partner to understand you better? Do you want to feel closer to your partner? Do you want an apology? Do you want to punish your partner by making them feel guilty, shameful, or hurt? Because remember, if frustration and attack happen, such as what's discussed earlier, it will be very difficult to achieve the hope of questions one and two. But being able to reflect and ask these questions could change the way that the problem is handled.

Reflection:

Pointing Fingers: Are you guilty of pointing fingers during conflict? Why do you think that is?

Labeling: Why do you choose to use offensive labels when in conflict? How, in the moment, can you step back and refrain from doing so?

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, guide me in resolving conflicts with grace and understanding. Help me focus on the problem rather than attacking the person. Teach me to use my words to build up rather than tear down. When conflicts arise, grant me the patience and wisdom to address issues constructively, and let Your peace reign in our conversations. In Jesus' name, Amen.