Covenant Love: Nurturing Your Marriage God's Wayਨਮੂਨਾ

The Right Time

Key Verse:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5

Reading:
Have you ever been around people, and everything they're doing seems to annoy you? You're feeling snappy and like you just want them to leave you alone. They see that you're all grouchy and they say, "You need to eat something because you're getting hangry." You shrug it off because it's not your hunger; it's just them being annoying. Then you go and eat, and you feel happy, and you're getting along with them again. My children always tell me that even though I am a therapist, and very nurturing, and very patient with all of my clients, we can get into a restaurant, and the minute I place the order, if the food wait is longer than what I was expecting, I become irritated. That is not my true nature, but it is definitely because I am hungry. I share this because I want to show the importance of not entering into conflict if either of you is hungry. It'll just lead to anger.

Anger can cause an amygdala hijack. This is an organ that is lodged in the limbic system of the brain that rules our reactions without the benefit of logic or reason, and then can cause our bodies to go into a fight or flight response. The rational brain can make very sound decisions. A rational brain produces information in 15 milliseconds. But an emotional brain produces information in two milliseconds, which is 250 times faster. Now, we might think that that is more beneficial because it can process so much faster. However, what happens with the amygdala hijack is that thoughts and reactions become very irrational; there is no ability to have more time to process, to think, to contemplate the Lord's guidance, to have the right words, or to check the emotions that are going to be coming. It just responds, and it often can be very harsh with words. And those angry emotions can cause an amygdala hijack, and that is not helpful.

The other emotions that can cause conflict to skyrocket are loneliness and tiredness. When profoundly lonely, there can be avoidance and depression. Proper rest is also essential for conflict resolution, and attention and focus are needed for the best outcome in terms of resolution. That is all extremely, extremely important. I read an article about some driver training issues and they found that sleep deprivation is very similar to as if a person were intoxicated. That's how difficult it was to get through some of the barriers in this driver training program. When sleep-deprived, the ability to focus and make sound decisions is not at its top potential. All the more reason not to resolve conflict if there is sleep deprivation.

So, when you're dealing with conflict, be in a position where both individuals involved in the conflict will have ample time not to be hurried or in a rush. These three things will place unnecessary pressure on the conversation. I know that I have learned with my husband. We run compassionate Christian counseling together, and sometimes I'll have an important decision to ask, but it's between my sessions. I'll go to ask him with only five minutes to spare, and usually he'll just say no because he didn't have time to consider it. So I've learned that when making important decisions, we need to take the time to figure it out, not rush it.

When you're in a tired, hurried, hungry position, you aren't taking the time to focus on God and pray and be together in your resolution. That is why it is so important that you and your spouse are making sure you are both in a good place for conflict resolution, and it will do a lot for your relationship.

Reflection:

Negative Factors: Do you feel that you let negative factors like hunger, tiredness, and hurry control you when you are resolving conflicts? How can you recognize what negative factors are and what is true?

Taking Time: Do you make time to resolve conflict or just fit it into the moment? How is that impacting your resolution?

Prayer:

Lord, grant me wisdom and patience in times of conflict. Help me to recognize when I am not in the right emotional or physical state to engage in productive dialogue. Guide me to wait for the opportune moment where both parties can approach the issue with clarity and compassion. In Jesus' name, Amen.