Covenant Love: Nurturing Your Marriage God's Wayਨਮੂਨਾ

The Power of "I"

Key Verse:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

Reading:

Sometimes, when trying to resolve conflict, it can feel like you can't do it without hearing about all the things you do wrong. Or maybe you're the one who likes to point out all the things your spouse does wrong. Either way, I want you to remember the power of the "I" statements.

YOU statements are often harsh and don't find solutions. They could also be simply changed so that you can discuss the real issue and not just argue. An example could be, "YOU are always late." Instead, you could change it to, "I noticed that it is getting very late, and I was worried about you". Notice how the YOU makes conflict come to the forefront, because it will put the person on the defensive. Now let's go with the "I" statement: "I feel much safer when you are home with me, and I don't worry then." That will let the person know that you're missing them and you do worry. That doesn't accuse them or belittle them by using the YOU pronoun. Another example could be, "YOU don't care about anyone else except yourself." The I sentence could be, "I feel cared for when," and then you could give your spouse an example. Because again, when we own these emotions or these feelings, the conflicts can be resolved more healthfully.

Using "I" statements allows the person to take responsibility for their behavior and their feelings. When used correctly, they remove any accusatory tone in the statement and allow the person to express the point without getting a defensive reaction. There are three important components to an "I" statement: stating your feeling, connecting the feeling to an issue, and stating what you want to have happen. The ability to own the feelings allows the spouse to share more vulnerability and honesty. This will allow for a much stronger possibility of the spouse engaging in dialogue and eventual resolution to the conflict. If YOU statements are used, it would more likely bring the spouse to leave the conversation and not find a solution. If there is no ability to stay engaged in dialogue, the hope to resolve the conflict is markedly reduced.

Reflection:

YOU: Do you find yourself using YOU statements during conflict? What impact do you see that has?

I: How can you start using "I" statements? What do you think that will change?

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, I thank You for guiding me in how to communicate effectively and compassionately. Help me to use “I” statements in my conversations, so I can express my feelings without placing blame or causing defensiveness. Grant me the wisdom to speak with kindness and the patience to listen with an open heart. May my words build up and encourage, leading to resolution and understanding. In Jesus' name, Amen.