Taboo: Topics Christians Should Be Talking About but Don’tEsimerkki

Sex Is Work

There are three good reasons to talk about sex—because the world is, because parents aren’t, and because God does.

The world teaches us so much about sex, most of it foolish, fictional, and dangerous. And most of our parents didn’t teach us much about sex besides “Don’t!” or “Wait!” But God says so much about sex. On the first page of the Bible, God brings up sex, and things get steamy in Song of Songs. God gave the gift of sex and said, “It is very good.” That’s our biblical foundation.

But you know sex isn’t always good, even in marriage. I sent a survey about sex to my church members and asked, “If you could ask God any question about sex, what would you ask him?” The most common response was this: “Why are we so sexually different? Why does one spouse want sex more than the other?” Multiple people asked, “Why do guys want sex so much more?” It’s not always the husband with the higher desire, but in almost every couple, there is one who wants more sex than the other.

I get that. Trust me. My wife said I could share this: The hardest part of our marriage has been this difference in desire. We have an amazing marriage—can I brag about it to God’s glory? We are on the same page with parenting, money, faith, and family. By God’s grace, neither of us has endured sexual abuse, and both of us were virgins until our wedding night. But guess where we were seven years into our marriage? A counselor’s office. For what? To figure out how we could love each other so much but be so different when it came to sex. Over the years, we’ve learned so much and grown so much closer. Here’s what I really want you to know, even to expect: SEX IS WORK. Good sex—true connection, intimacy, and pleasure—is work.

That’s what the very first recorded sex in Scripture says. Look at Genesis 4:1: “Adam made love to his wife Eve.” He made love. He didn’t just have sex; Adam made love. There is no good sex without love. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking, love always protects, and love always perseveres. Love does what is best for the other, no matter what. (See 1 Corinthians 13.) Sex is bad when it’s not good love. Which is why Adam made love to his wife.

Intimacy is enjoyable when it is the fruit of another root, namely love. I pray that every husband and every wife would focus on the love that makes making love good.