Did I Really Say "Drug Free?"

by Ellie Kay

If it was going to be easy to raise kids, it never would have started with something called “labor." ~Anonymous

My husband, Bob, says that I run the risk of deceiving the reader if I don’t mention our son Jonathan’s birth. He was our fourth and hardest childbirth experience, even though I was in labor with him for only ninety minutes and he weighed only seven pounds, four ounces. On second thought, the labor probably was so short because it was so intense.

As I said before, I become distracted during childbirth as I approach the transition phase, that final stage of hard labor just before I begin to push. Well, during this particular birth, Bob had turned on a satirical political television show and was watching it with great relish. His guffaws could be heard down the hospital hallways, and I know the nurses were talking about “the only man on earth who really enjoys his wife’s labor and delivery.”

Here’s Bob’s perspective on the incident:

Bob: You’re doing great, Ellie. I’m so proud of you.

Ellie: Thanks, beloved. I love you so.

Bob: I love you, too, honey.

Ellie: This labor is getting kind of intense.

Bob: I’m so glad they have this TV in here. I turned it on to distract you from the pain because I love you so very much.

Ellie: You’re such a wonderful husband. But this labor is getting intense. Now I know why women take drugs.

Bob: You’ve really got this childbirth thing down, honey. You don’t need any drugs. I know you really don’t want them.

Ellie: I think maybe I do.

That was how he said it went. Now listen to my perspective, the real behind-the-scenes view of what happened during Jonathan’s birth. (Note how the guy’s version is always shorter than the real version.)

Bob: Wow! Look at this, beloved! What a nice television set. If you can hold off just a bit longer, I can see almost all of my favorite political shows.

Ellie: You’re turning on the television in the middle of my labor?

Bob: Why not? I hardly ever get to see his show. Besides that, this childbirth thing could take a long time, and you’ve got it down pat anyway.

(Thirty minutes later, and I’m now in transition.)

Ellie: Bob, help! (I was having contractions so close together I could only say a few words at a time between them.)

Bob: (Laughing at the television) Hey, honey! This is really a fall-down-funny episode!

Ellie: (I was finishing a contraction and thinking, You are going to be falling down if you don’t turn that thing off!)

Bob: (By now, he’s rubbing the lampshade, thinking it’s my arm.) Can you believe that photo of Congress he showed, he is going to take some hits for that.

Ellie: I know someone who’s gonna get hit and soon!

Bob: It’s time for a commercial. How are you doing, beloved?

Ellie: (An intense contraction was ending, and I could only gasp out three words.) “GET ME DRUGS!”

Bob: (He had a gleam in his eye as if he were making a patriotic speech.) Beloved, I shan’t. I shall not get you drugs. You would hate yourself in the morning if I asked them to get you drugs, and I know you don’t need them. (The commercial break was now over, and he went back to the land of make-believe.)

Ellie: (In the middle of another heavy contraction. I couldn’t talk, I could only think, Buddy, if I ever get out of this bed and get to you, you’re gonna need lots of drugs.)

(Jonathan was born ten minutes later—just as the show ended.)

Distractions can be good or bad, depending on the circumstances. Some, like the political show Bob watched, are simply ill-timed. Others, such as watching a funny movie when we have the blues, are good. Still others, such as a toddler distracting you from a phone call, are frustrating. Sometimes we just want to run away from our distractions. That’s when it’s great to know God never gets distracted. He doesn’t put us on “hold” until the end of his favorite TV program; there’s never a problem too big or too small for him. When we apply the calming effects of God’s complete and undivided attention, then we get through with His help. (But drugs can still be helpful in childbirth!)

Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 NIV