Listening Well: A Guide for MenSample

Day 2: Why (and How) To Listen Well

The year was 2021, and I was in a state of complete disorientation. As an early-thirties father of two young boys, I felt completely out of my league, and the social distress of the previous year caused me relentless stress and anxiety. I felt like I needed to put on my Iron Man armor before leaving the house each morning (once the office opened back up, that is), because I expected every single bumper sticker, yard sign, t-shirt, and billboard I encountered to tell me what I needed to think, why I needed to think it, and why anyone who thinks differently is the enemy. Even with my armor on, I would still come home from work feeling like I was two heartbeats away from going into full-blown Hulk Smash mode. I had an enormous amount of pain and confusion bottled up inside me, with no place to direct it. My wife was paying for it, my sons were paying for it, and I was paying for it.

One night, after the Hulk finally settled into a rage nap once again, my wife, through tears, made it very clear that we can’t go on like this. So, I reached out to a few friends, quickly connected with a good counselor, and began a long string of conversations that were deeply healing for my heart.

When someone sits with you face to face, leans in, and listens wholeheartedly to what you are sharing—it might be loneliness, confusion, and heartbreak, as in my story, but it could equally be the nostalgic memory of your first major league game or why a particular song means so much to your heart—something deeply relational and healing takes place.

We embody the love and the heart of God for each other when we are present to each other, honoring one another through our focused attention and attuned heart. This is true in your small group, in your relationship with your wife or kids, at the family Thanksgiving table, even with a total stranger on an airplane. As John 13:35 indicates, when we love those around us, especially through our listening engagement, we are reflecting the love of Jesus.

So what does this look like at a practical level?

Some tips for intentional, helpful listening:

• Keep your mind and heart open and curious. Ask questions to understand and honor someone, not to critique them, and respect what they share (more on this in Day 4).
• Give your undivided attention to the person you are listening to. When you are fully present and engaged, you are communicating that what they are saying matters and that they are an important and valuable person.
• Engage them with your heart and body. Hold eye contact and be mindful of your body language. Are you relaxed and at ease, or are your shoulders tense and your arms crossed? Engage your heart and emotions—allow what they are sharing to affect you and seek to connect emotionally with what they are feeling.
• Offer them the dignity of being heard. Don’t interrupt.

Every person has different styles of relating, different stories, different passions, and different viewpoints. Yet we can make a choice to listen to and be present with others in a way that brings care, honor, kindness, and compassion in ways that have the potential to facilitate healing and display the Kingdom of God!

As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, how do the ways that I have felt heard and unheard affect the way I relate to others? Where might I need healing through a listening ear?

Jesus, would you help me to be more aware of the moments in day-to-day life where I might offer good listening and attentive engagement to others?

Holy Spirit, would you cultivate in my heart a deep desire to display your presence to others through my words and countenance?