Overcoming ShameSample

Day 5: Tearing Up the Old Contracts

Shame is one of the most deeply wounding forces in the human experience, especially sexual shame. It doesn’t simply whisper, “You did something wrong.” It hisses, “You are something wrong.” That’s how the enemy works—not just accusing your behavior but attacking your identity at its core.

Sexual shame often runs deeper than a single decision or action. It’s not just about sin; it’s about a story. A moment of exposure. A lack of nurture. A desperate longing for connection that was never met, or worse, was twisted. Like the man or woman who turns to pornography, not out of lust but out of loneliness, these behaviors often have roots in deeper wounds. We didn’t wake up one day and choose shame. It crept in—tethered to unmet needs, childhood confusion, and unspoken pain caused by predators, opportunists, or even dangerous family members or caregivers.

But hear this, beloved: contrary to what shame is telling you, you are not beyond healing.

The enemy may have forged contracts in your past—agreements you didn’t even know you were signing. And vows those agreements caused you to make, like, “I’ll never be enough,” or “I want to hide who I am.” But Jesus came to tear them up. That’s the power of the cross—not only to forgive what’s been done, but to restore who you are. To make this transaction occur, the greatest exchange, we have to play a part, we have to courageously do something.

You know when you smell smoke, it's an indication, a warning, that something is on fire, and to either go investigate or get the heck out of there. You know when you feel cold, really cold, and you begin to shiver, it’s your body kicking into a gear of survival and telling you to move. How about when you get hurt, maybe even cut, and you're bleeding, do you know how many reactive things are happening in your body to help you live while at the same time sending impulses for you to get to a place where you can be tended to? Last one, you know when you’re in the water, underwater, like in a lake, or a pool, or at the ocean, and you’re under for too long, maybe your being held under, maybe the waves toppled you and are sweeping you around, maybe you misjudged your lung capacity and dove too deep, and now you’re in trouble. In a moment like that, the only thing you can do, is push yourself harder to the surface for relief.

If shame had one job, if it exists for one thing, if there was even the smallest redeeming quality that we should know about shame, it would be this… it invites us to love. To have the wounds of our hearts tended to and to have the breath of life fill our beings, relieving shame's suffocating ways, that is what pain invites us to, away from the hurt and toward the care, loving care.

Sexual shame is arguably the most powerful version of shame because it takes one of the most powerful expressions of love and perverts it with hatred. Hatred of self, hatred toward others and of course, hatred finds its way into our hearts, into our souls, into our minds and emotions. When we are lured into something so dark, betrayed by someone who should be trustworthy, taken advantage of in the worst of all ways, sexually, there is a betrayal, and when there is betrayal, “hate” is going to come.

Healing begins by naming what happened, how it is making us feel, and in doing so, we are doing our part to bring it into the light. That’s when and where shame begins to lose its grip. Whether through journaling, therapy, a trusted friend, or a spiritual guide, when we speak the story we’ve long tried to silence, we start to reclaim our voice—and recover parts of our heart, and as painful as reliving any of these shameful moments, that’s how we start the journey of living without shame.

This process takes courage. Vulnerability always does. It also takes discernment—knowing who is safe to trust with what feels like the darkest files of our story. But it requires movement, too. God’s grace isn’t passive. It’s the empowering presence of God, meeting you and me right where we are and gently inviting you to open the files, show God the pain, and slowly walk, maybe even be carried, from the shame and hate into freedom.

Along this way, you’ll learn to breathe again—to ground yourself in truth, to pray through the ache, and to hear another voice, your Father’s voice, lovingly calling you beloved.

So, here’s the invitation once again: Ask God to help you find the old files. Bring them to Him. Together, tear up the old contracts by rejecting the agreements and vows you made rooted in the presence of fear and shame. And then take the pen and write a new agreement—one grounded in grace (the empowering presence of God to transform you) -- then, in your true identity, and in the relentless love of a God who knows you, sees you, and is proud to call you His. Then open the door fear has always told you to keep closed. Open the door and take a vulnerable and courageous step. Away from shame's previous dark hold, and toward…toward the arms of the One that deeply wants to hold you.

As you ponder all this today, consider asking God:

Father, where have I made silent agreements with shame—contracts that still shape my view of myself? Will you show me the places you long to bring truth instead?

Jesus, what do you say about my story, especially the parts I’ve tried to keep hidden? Help me see my past through your eyes of compassion and redemption.

Holy Spirit, what truth do you want to speak over the lies I’ve believed about my identity, my sexuality, and my worth? Help me tear up the old contracts and walk in grace toward freedom.

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