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Choosing Honor

By Bethani Funderburk

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Deuteronomy 5:16 (NIV)

Chances are, if you attended church at any point in time as a child, you heard this verse: “Honor your father and your mother” (Deuteronomy 5:16). It’s the one printed on bulletin boards in church classrooms all over the country, and it runs a close second to the ever- popular, “Children obey your parents” (Ephesians 6:1). This fifth commandment given to Moses has the distinction of being the first commandment given with a promise. While both of these verses are valuable and necessary staples throughout our childhood and adolescence, little seems to be said about the ongoing importance of honoring our parental relationships as we move into adulthood.

For the sake of clarity, let’s explore the difference between “obeying” and “honoring.”

• Obedience is about your actions — doing what you’re told to do when you’re told to do it.
• Honoring is about your attitude—doing what you’re told to do with the right attitude.

Unfortunately, just as there are no age, time, or geographical parameters to the command “honor your parents,” neither is there an empty blank at the end that disqualifies those parents who seem less than worthy of honor. If there were, I might have made use of such an option when I was 19 and my parents divorced. The pain and disappointment from their divorce left me confused, hurt, and angry. Understanding was hard, but acceptance was even harder. My father had always been larger than life to me, but as my parents’ marriage died, so did his hero status in my eyes. It took time to work through my pain and disappointment before I could begin to learn the value of respecting his position as my father. However, although it was initially difficult, I eventually learned to separate my father from his actions. In time, with prayer and godly counsel, my heart has healed. Today, my father and I have a great relationship that we both enjoy.

Whether through difficult life circumstances or the natural development of independence, our relationships with our parents inevitably change. With a little effort, however, we can begin to relate to our parents, not just as friends, but as friends with a special bond. For some people, this change may be difficult, so be prepared to give grace while the necessary adjustments are made.

Perhaps your present circumstances won’t allow you to develop any type of friendship with your parents. Maybe your parents disagree with the decisions you’ve made as an adult. Even if this is the case, I believe it’s possible to respectfully share differing opinions while still maintaining a healthy relationship.

Four ways to accomplish this are:

• Praying before any interaction.
• Checking your heart’s motivation.
• Choosing your words wisely.
• Planning potential responses.

Above all, remember that the Bible tells us: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NIV). As you put God first in your relationship with your parents, keep in mind that your ultimate goal isn’t to receive approval or agreement but to honor their God-ordained position as your parents.

In order to live a life pleasing to God and freeing to ourselves and others, we must honor our parents. God’s command has no exception clauses; it’s not, “Honor your father and mother only if they were good to you.”

~ Gary Smalley

Memory Verse

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6